I'm Alive !!

Random thoughts......

2010-12-09T03:37:00.000-08:00

Its been 5 years…5 long years actually. And I have grown…matured…for the good or worse that can still be debated. From the sweet docile introvert to the outrageously outspoken and extrovert person, time has hardened me in a way where its difficult for me to trust any outsider or anyone blindly. Not sure if I can myself as well!

TRUST is a very difficult word and easily misused. And easily breakable too, either by near and dear ones or outsiders at the earliest outset. The thumb rule, no one needs your help and no one needs you to solve their problems. Just let people be and they’ll figure out. Helping others might just end up making you feel like a fool (while you might have given your heart and soul to honestly try and help!)

We just got back from a vacation and the idea was to get “rejuvenated”. But the fact is, you can change the place and the settings, but its difficult to change the people we are. Where ever we are, we end up thinking about the same things and worrying about the same things which we try and escape for some time. I ended up doing the same!! The holiday in fact gave me more time to “worry about” things that had been worrying me over the time. The purpose was defeated and ended up feeling too guilty to even talk about it!

That brings me to another side of the story. Either the problem lies with me, not being able to avoid negative thoughts. Or everyone around me is actually negative as I think. I will not deny the fact that may be I’m negative too, but then people around aren’t helping much either. For instance, grownups who refuse to change their habits, or bring a positive change in their lives only end up changing their ringtones and caller tunes!! How much of it can one take!! You just feel like shaking them hard and pulling them out of their comfort zone and screaming loud…”don’t you realize what you are doing?”Beyond a point it has all become too much for me to handle and my already brimming patience level seems to have spilled over now, spreading all the bitterness around. No doubt I’m scared..of where all this will lead to, where it’ll all take me. Since nothing better can follow, I’ll only end up ruining things for myself. But then this self awareness isn’t helping me either!

Its a new life...and it feels great to be alive!!!

2010-12-08T04:14:00.000-08:00

Its reallly been long....and suddenly going through my old posts i realised they aren't so "alive" after all! The phrase remains the same but the tone has changed now. Its bright and exuberant "I'm alive" post motherhood.

Motherhood is fun!! Its the best thing that can happen to any woman. Life gets a new meaning, full of joy, wonder, excitement and unadulterated innocent pleasure.

The act of giving birth is the only moment when both pain and pleasure converge in a moment of time. It is in the manner of the sharp point of a needle, astride upon that point are both pleasure and pain, simultaneously assailing the female that is undergoing the miracle of childbirth.

I will not undermine the hard work and the efforts that go in raising a child. And yet, raising a child is the hardest, most responsible and satisfying task a human being can face. The unconditional love and warmth that a child expresses is amazing.

My own experience with my bundle of joy has been quite satisfying. I so thoroughly enjoyed the nine months carrying my baby within me, feeling happier with each passing day. Even the nausea and morning sickness (evening sickness in my case) failed to tire me. I was up and ready for the next meal immediately after throwing up my last J

The entire journey after finally holding my little bunny boy has been ecstatic. Days seem to have flown….and how!! There was so much to do and so much to plan..and I still couldn’t have enough of my baby despite 24*7 with him.

It will be two years in next two weeks that I held him for the first time and every single moment after that has been the best one till the next. The innocent charm, the incoherent words, the pranks, the wet kisses and the tiny hugs, every moment is like bliss and I feel so lucky to be living and experiencing this aspect of life. The constant rush to get home and hug my little hero is so great that no work feels important enough to hold me beyond 6 pm!! Rushing back again……ciao!!!

Halla Bol !!

2008-01-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

While life has going on with its own pace, I've had quite a learning experience the last one year. I've discovered new facets of my personality, have come closer to myself, in fact so much so that there was a need to share my feelings with anyone. Its been a state of perfect contentment during this time that i spent with myself, doing things that i liked, the way i wished, thinking about what i want to do with my life specially the larger aspect of the vision and mission of life so to speak. There was no urge to basically write out my confusions the way it was through my blogs all this while until off course.....Halla Bol.

If I were to talk about the turning points in my life, this movie would be one of them. Not because its a well made commercial flick or the story is great...but simply because the theme was in resonance with what my soul had been crying out for all this while. The lines, the dialogues had me thinking for a long time..in fact I'm still under the spell of the movie. The only thing that i wish is that the spell shouldn't die. I couldnt stop crying for at least half an hour after the movie. Let me tell you that I'm not one of those emotional ones to shed tears with everyone melodramatic scene. The after-thoughts related to this one however had me in tears more so with remorse. It made me feel so small, so frivolous and absolutely shallow. The issue that it raised was small, but the larger implications did not escape the theme.How many of us actually think about issues or problems beyond our very narrow personal space?

So true...we have a small life and we waste it in frivilous small things and then we die..like the millions of insects or animals around us. Are we any different? Whats the use of our intellect, our feelings, our ability to feel for others and empathise..? We are all reduced to being one of the animals..fighting for our life, struggling for the material things and finally dying with even more discontment within our heart, regretting things that we couldnt do and comforts that we couldnt afford in this life. How many of us actually do things that make a difference, not just to ourselves but to the society? How many times do we actually think beyond ourselves..and think of ourselves as an extension to this society that we are a part of? We need to do things not as a favour to the society but because its our duty and because we need to contribute to the betterment of our lives and that of the generations to come after us.

There is no end to the innumerable frivolous problems that we find ourselves trapped in. All struggling for a house of our own, a nice car, the latest laptop, music system, i-pod and television available in the market..and the list goes on. Struggling with planning for the future, saving for the problems that might never trouble us, saving for old age, saving for our kids....
And then there's this never ending chain of loans and EMI's and investments...... These are all that take up most of our time and mind.And for the lucky ones who dont's seem to be involved in so much of these problems, they talk about the latest gizmos they've bought or plan to buy, the latest trips that they plan to go for... How else do you enjoy life?
Everytime i'm in a group and everywhere i hear people talk, there is nothing beyond these set of things that are being talked of. All of us live, struggle for a fairly decent life and then die...without leaving any trace behind them...dying a forgettable life. Neither they nor their work sustains the vagaries of time... How different is our life as humans then? Even dogs and insects struggle for their life, survive and die.

Time to think.

Reaching Out.....

2007-04-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

It wasn't long ago when I was alone. It was so peaceful then. Sometimes, I wonder if I could choose it to be so always…and if I’d still love it! May be it’s my need to be all by myself at times.
The dilemma if that’s what I would like long-term is something I need to decide. A social being with limited set of defined roles or a deeper insight into my real self…..the choice is “me” against the rest of the world..including some people who mean the “world” to me.

And then, I turned an escapist cos I saw no solution…no answers. May be I no longer felt any need. Perhaps I tried being on my own, without depending on anyone..even God. But gracious that He is, He wouldn't let go. He knew I would be lost without His light around me. And I could still feel His warmth even if I never went to temple again. But then even to feel Him, I needed to be alone..or else even that assurance seemed to be fading in the mayhem all around me.
Not that I don’t need people. But I no longer remember the way to associate myself with others, feel as a part of the group and not an alien. Poor Baba has too many like me to look at. He gets busy with those who need him more and there’s always someone or the other like this at all time.
And now there is a gap between us……a gap that perhaps no human can bridge. And poor Baba is too involved in others to even notice it. And knowing him the way he is, he will perhaps never do it, but just accept things as fate. Afterall, is larger objective is related to others and not me.
So much to say. Noone who could hear, anyways. No shoulders to comfort. So, I thought I would let the world know how numb I feel.

Am waiting for a friend now..who would listen to me, pamper me, pay attention to my smallest of needs and desires……someone who would be able to take some time ONLY for me in most substantial ways.
Nothing is perhaps worse than feeling all alone in a crowd…….loneliness amongst your own dear ones. I wish I could ask someone to take me home NOW!!!
The final destination…..to peace and tranquility……….to contentment…..
I’m too tired..tired of fighting, screaming myself hoarse in futility, tired of assuring myself that I’m still alive!!!

Waiting for "Godot"...

2006-12-15T22:23:00.000-08:00

As much as the others would be surprised, so am I on suddenly going back to "Godot" after almost 3 yrs! At this phase perhaps the sole idea of waiting for something reminds me of nothing else but that....and perhaps thats because its much more than just the act of waiting.....almost parallel to the quest of one's existential angst. I'm still on that path, in search of something quintessentially real in absolutely "real" sense..the kind of consistency that i talk about all the time and look forward to in everyone all the time. In fact, in not so much as others, i'm upset over random recent inconsistent behavior on my part as well......over my impulsive responses to everything, waivering between the positive and the negative swings as manipulated by others !! I wish i could be strong enough to see through things....to realise the long term implications of what others actually mean.
Thats how emotional fools are.....being carried away by the instantaneous circumstances! One moment i might be very very angry over something, so hurt that mere mention of the name of somebody can drive me crazy with fury...and the very next moment all that is forgotten after just few soft words.
Am still trying to find out the real "Godot" for me...counting days on one hand for something so close to the superficial world and relationships....and on the other hand the larger than life quest for everything else...be it hope, be it happiness, be it peace, prosperity, success, freedom, or ulmitately the final truth of Death.
So from the time the plane lands here in Noida.....to the time the chariot leaves for the heavenly abode finally.....
I'm waiting for "Godot" :)

Let there be Light .......an awakening

2006-08-31T04:47:00.000-07:00

“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side”

Don’t know why, but this line has been echoing in my mind continuously for the past couple of days. At times it feels one is not able to see things from the right angle perhaps…
Or then who decides which is the right angle…cos all would look “right” from a particular direction…..so it eventually comes down to the point of view one is referring to.
In short, what is important is the right approach…..the right point of view…which should be a positive one, an optimistic one and a corrective one. The need is to be a solution provider and not just the problem identifier.
I’m still a way behind. I claim awareness as far as identifying the problem areas is concerned, but when it comes to finding the right solutions, somewhere I lack the finesse, or perhaps the experience as well.
But it’s equally true...one cannot be a perfectionist, cos it’s impossible to make everyone happy. The main aim should be to do what I feel is right and be answerable to at least myself. And yet one’s own satisfaction and happiness is dependent on and measured by the interaction and relationship with others. We are all a part of the social web. So while we all crave for that one moment of solitude and peace, of independence and freedom, we all know in our hearts that its a myth. That’s perhaps one of the most complex and yet the simplest of the paradoxes of life.

The only thing that I can look ahead in this situation is “awakening”.
“May there be light……..”

Life as it is......

2006-07-13T02:00:00.000-07:00

One of my close friends said that "A" felt it was pretty normal for me to be the way i am these days..tired, upset and irritated 'cos i was living in a "virtual railway platform". Pretty apt description actually !
I might not have any complaints, but this was certainly not how i had figured things to be.

No water for the last 2 days, so added tensions. Bhownku has been unwell too and has been vomitting in our bed as well. And when i grumbled having to clean and change the sheets in the dead of the night, i was accused of being insensitive and pretentious. Would i behave the same way if Baba or my own child soiled the bed like this? Perhaps i would have. That doesnt mean i hate the person. But it was hard for me to convince Baba that even though i grumble when there's extra work for me , that doesnt mean i dont care.
In fact now i dont care what people think. If i'm doing my work, and if i do it honestly to the best of my abilities and intent, there is no reason why i should bother about other's words.

Need to streamline things properly and plan the schedules, specially with the coming 15 days "pooja", fasts, and never ending rituals, my presentation, interview (and food without any salt for the next 15 days).........
Time to gear up for added responsibilities, extra time for the "pooja-paath" ......another of those testing times of my patience, to show how i manage things, how good a manager i am.

Reverting to the escape mode seems a more viable option.....

A journey to Ithaca.....

2006-07-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Forwarding A's mails to him, came across the word so often that it seems to cloud my mind. Ithaca reminds me of the poem that i read during Grads, " Journey to Ithaca".However i'm not fascinated with Ithaca for the reason that A is (afterall what have I to do with Cornell University? And even if i was interested, that would never get me a place there how hard i tried in the present situation).
What fascinated me is the idea of journey...'cos i really want to get away for a while ....escape somewhere far from all this chaos, confusion and tensions that seem to envelope me like a shroud.
Craving for peace, which deludes me at work ( 'cos my training period is about to get over and job hunting doesn't seem easy considering the present constraints ) and at home as well ( its impossible if you live with so many people...the count has never been less than 7 except for two lone days till now, and currently its 10).
Actually i do feel good about being a part of Baba's "darbar" , but still i'd be lying if i said its not taking a toll on my patience. Had work been good i would have a reason to smile. But its not, and i "need" to get a job or else lots of things will go haywire......
Don't know how long will it be before i'm able to get an adequate bank-balance leave alone a decent one.
Its all so very frustrating...each day comes with a new problem, new challenges and there seems to be no end to all these never ending crises. Feels as if i have been drawn into this constant battle that involves our family, but i have just begun my life !! Am scared to ask, but only if i could know how long is it all gonna last?

Trying to escape from office, trying to get away from home........have i really become an escapist? i'd hate myself if i did, cos i've always believed in facing the situations, defeating the odds against me...though i'm yet to see if i'm able to do it this time. I remember ,there was a time when i did so and still nothing helped. Hoping situations are not as bad this time.....

Marry a murderer - I did not

2006-06-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

The hand that caressed me once
Didn’t seem friendly anymore
Felt them throttling me
….i kept thinking about those days of the yore…..

The early ties that were strong –
The memories still lingered on.
But the imprints of the wrong were stronger still,
The night had shadowed the morn !

“Holier than thou”, I say I am not
But slaughter one of my own…..i cannot.
Yet the yoke that supported me
Was stifling me every second
Helpless and cheated, I knew it was over
…beyond any regret or amend.
Living on amidst such humiliation and infamy –
My life I wanted to end…..

The pain was immense, the sores were deep
And yet I had two flowers to keep.
They looked up to me,
Their imploring wide innocent eyes…
I hugged them close
They were the little angels in my life
I’ll live for them, even with sighs.

Their tiny hands in mine,
I feel stronger.
I have a mission to live for-
To banish gunshots from their life
And fill it with sweet sounds of chime.
I will be their caring mother,
Till the end of time.
The world might be plagued with enough of crime
But I’ll take care it doesn’t cloud
Their untampered innocent minds.

Shelter them from the harsh scathing remarks
I’ll take them to paradise
And while the world scorns their tainted ties,
They will live and rise….
Far above all these lies !

About "fashion freedom"

2006-06-22T22:03:00.000-07:00

Baba wrote this for the NGO he is involved with. I am a part of this.......are you???
Trying for more participation and encouragement for this noble cause.

“Fashion Freedom”

“Let the color be with them once”

Incredible India Enables the Fashion World in association with All India Life line society and Sanlika events, a business associate of the International Institute of Fashion Technology (IIFT).

An entirely Indian theme where the disabled people will bring forth the latest trends of fashion before the world with topmost models from India.

“Fashion Freedom” brings to you an opportunity to witness the world of fashion in new color and vigor. India with its multidimensional Color and culture will be presented to you in the form of landscape by our special models with disability.

Richness of Indian heritage on ramp, an opportunity to witness the clouds of Assam, the heights of Himalayas, the back waters of Kerala, folk dresses of Santhals , energy of Punjab, calmness of Gujarat, the ekatas of Orissa in ‘tana’ and ‘bana’ of south and the north.

“Fashion Freedom” will be the first of its kind fashion show to be staged at these destinations, where models with disability will test their mettle along with professional models.

The participation of these special models in these fashion shows intends to awaken and stimulate people to look and think differently about disabled people and their hitherto unexplored potential.

“Fashion Freedom” tries to draw the picturesque India on fashion canvas for the first time, which is no way lesser than any fashion show. In fact by our experience we are aware that it becomes a much discussed and reported event in the media and the society.

Its an amalgamation of trends - a theme that touches the inner core of our conscience, an effort to present beauty in most beautiful way, a dimension added to world of fashion.

The whole concept is packaged in such a way that the Glamour and Fashion remains the prime focus as in any other show, while at the same time our special models would really make it Implausible on a stretched fashion canvas.

Our last event that was held in Delhi created a tremendous hype and a live coverage was primed by Zee News. Our main motto is to take this success to further shores of the society and make this a global movement whereby the shows in Dubai and London (to start with) would be a benchmark for other international destinations to follow.
Let the liquidity of thoughts take a shape in imaginary precincts, stitched together with the theme “Incredible India” by incredible models, igniting the ramps for a cause that needs your support.

We would seek possible tie up’s with NGO’s of International repute working for similar cause in the region / country where these events would be showcased. Apart from proposing the theme “Incredible India” before nations of the world to promote the tourism and sharing colors of India, one of our prime objectives lies in to promote not only the event but also to encourage the “special” models of that region/country by their active participation, besides contributing some proceeds from the show to the NGO’s to further the noble cause.

It is a unique opportunity for anybody and everybody – especially the Global Corporates/MNC’s/Govt organizations/Individuals to not only associate themselves with an event that caters to the intellect of one and all, but also to bring a path – breaking, innovative event to the industry

This unique concept with a strong social message can reach its zenith by your active participation, support and co-operation.

About Us

· International Institute of Fashion Technology (IIFT), the premiere fashion institution of India imparting fashion education, is in its 16th year now, with over 35,000 working professionals serving the Indian garment industry in over 500 companies worldwide. I.I.F.T. is also an ISO 9001-2000 certified institution for imparting quality education having over 50 branches in India and abroad.

· Each year IIFT organizes its Annual Fashion Show event where country’s top notch models present the collection prepared by its final year students. These events are one of the few premiere fashion events of the country and are keenly watched and attended by the who’s who of the fashion industry at large.

· Sanlika Events, however, has added a new dimension to these Fashion Shows in developing the concept of Fashion Freedom and are the Global Event Managers for the same.

· All India Life Line society is an NGO registered in New Delhi, working in multiple field to promote the healthy life at large, its prime focus is promoting health related activities among Indian masses, and promote low priced cure for major diseases.

2006-06-22T02:04:00.000-07:00

Few words of the song "father figure" by George Michael......
i wish someone sings for me.......

"I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind

I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you -
'Til the end of time ."

The whole song goes like this.......

That's all I wanted
Something special something sacred -
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
Maybe this time is forever...
Say it can be

That's all you wanted
Something special, someone sacred -
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Understand me
But something tells me together
We'll be happy

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind

I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you -
'Til the end of time

That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
Understands me
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong

If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger -
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be...
So when you remember
The ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling
Don't think of me
Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie, no...
My love is always telling me so...
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go, my baby."

Jolted out.....

2006-06-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought that I could relax a bit and breathe easy, here is a news that’ll take away my peace of mind for months to come. Babuji has come over and the hand that was operated this January has fractured again. That’s not all, his hip bone has also been dislocated. Another operation for someone his age (he is 90+) and that too twice within a span of 6 months is quite risky. Keeping our fingers crossed, waiting what the docs have to say…..
Have been feeling quite low since then……the same painful ordeal for Babuji, same running around and hectic schedule for Sirjee and Baba…….the same hospital yet again. Reminds me of the story of Vikram and Baital that I read as a kid..”Baital is back on the tree” and the same story is gonna be repeated in our case as well.
I’ll never talk about breaks and sleep and time to relax ever again…..’cos the moment I do so, there’s something or the other to pull me out of the lazy slumber and get me on my toes !
Hope to get through another of these testing times………Amen!

"Neenni aayi hai..."

2006-06-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Lots of spare time that I can enjoy for a couple of days. My trainer’s leaving the company for a better offer elsewhere and his notice period is about to end this week. Anyways, the work pressure in the office has reduced considerably and that leaves me with a lot of extra time for reading a lot of extra stuff, like nanotechnology, or recent HR practices and trends, etc. Have also found a couple of links to the e-library and so the idle hours glide away smoothly with me reading the novels over cups of lemon tea and coffee. No wonder I finished 25 chapters in just two days flat !!
Cant help wishing though, if I could get a couple of days off…….. I really need a break quite badly. I need a break to grab 10 hours of sleep at a stretch. It seems like ages that I slept for even 8 hours in one go….. Yes, that’s what I crave for these days – sleep, long and peaceful.

ANNIE'S SONG (John Denver)

2006-06-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

This is one of my all time favs.......one of songs that was with me during those two years in the desert.......
its difficult to miss the beautiful lyrics......
so here it goes....

"You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

INSTRUMENTAL VERSE

...Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you, come love me again.

You fill up my senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses, come fill me again. "

About rebirths...

2006-06-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

If I were to be reborn…………..would I want my life the way I have lived? Would I want to go through the same set of emotions, commit the same mistakes, meet the same people, etc…..
Saturday’s newspaper had an article in which Pooja Bhatt confessed she has learnt a lot from her life, from her mistakes and if she were to be reborn, she’d want everything just the way they have been in this life.
Though I have had a fairly easy and comfortable life, and even I have learnt from my mistakes ( a lot of them actually ), yet there are a lot of things which I’d want to change if given a second chance. Not from my first 20 years of my life though..cos those were the best years of my life…..pure, unadulterated, uncomplicated, sheltered and protected life, where there was just perfection, innocence, love, faith, everything that I took for granted ‘cos that was linked to my family. My family is one thing that I wouldn’t want to change for anything….for its just them who’ve always loved me unconditionally, who’ve never judged me, who’ve accepted me the way I am, forgave all my mistakes and have been with me through the thick and thin of life, during times when I was happy, when I was depressed, when I wanted to run away and live, when I wanted to kill myself never to see life again ……. Nobody can be as patient with me as they have been.
And then my friends, who’ve been there with me, helped me get stronger, helped me gain so many experiences, helped me recuperate from the mental and emotional upheavals that weighed upon me during my years away from home.
Its difficult at times to pretend to be happy when something deep within still feels empty, hollow, a kind of void that stems out of dissatisfaction…..something that makes me feel as if I’m a misfit, somewhat out of place, some kind of intruder, where nothing seems to be mine, the way I’d want things to be, the way I thought they’d be…..
Is it some kind of make-believe world that I have created around me, a kind of hallucination where I see only the things that I want to, the way I want to, instead of the real picture. Can I go on living in a delusion forever? Happiness is a state of mind, and I feel happy when I say I’m happy, so that’s the state I have created even though I’m still not sure what exactly is it. I was happy earlier too……
Anyways, I have tasted perfection and will not settle for anything less. Either the earlier one needs to be demystified or the present mystified. Was that the perfect love, or is this the more real one?
Only if I had the answers…..

beautiful lines...

2006-06-16T04:11:00.000-07:00

Some beautiful lines that i got as a forward today.....

To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someoneWho doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student whoHas failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a motherwho has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a personWho has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a personWho has survived an accident...

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend:
Lose one.

Time waits for no one!!!!!.

About my sunsign and me......wonderin how much of it is true....

2006-06-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19)The Water Bearer always thinks fifty years ahead in time!

Colour : All the colors of the rainbow.

You as a woman:You are a bundle of contradictions, and the same attitude prevails in love. You are faithful in love, but you can also be detached and aloof, if need be. Your demand for freedom is insistent, but your allegiance to anyone who can accept romance within limits is boundless.You have charming manners, and usually behave in a timid, almost reserved way. You loathe being logical. Your mind travels back and forth between today and tomorrow, with no logical pattern. You follow the same policy with commitment.The line between friendship and love is often invisible to you. You are susceptible to sudden flashes of inspiration, and your intuition is remarkable.

You in relationships: You love to give pleasure, in keeping with your altruistic and philanthropic spirit. You also tend to seek agreement in your friendly and harmonious way, a real boon in the give and take of partnership. You also adore vulnerability in a lover. You need a companion who can help you get in touch with your innermost feelings and teach you to put the analyzing aside.

One must Know the rules when dealing with Aquarius

What you should do:
Be prepared to talk about anything, from the coup in Maui to the burnt dinner last night. The Aquarian has a wide variety of interests, and will want to talk about them all the time.
Give your Aquarian little surprises. They will love it.
Be prepared for emotional detachment, at least the first few times you meet.
Learn to make a mind connection, before a physical one. Intellectual compatibility is important to an Aquarian.
Appreciate the fact that your Aquarian is devoted to special causes.

What you should not do:
Don't be too demanding. The Aquarian hates being bound by rules. Give some breathing space to the relationship.
Don't expect your Aquarius to pop the question in the fifth date. The Aquarian thinks of the whole world as his/her friend.
Don't expect the Aquarian to snap out of a reverie soon enough.
Don't be too critical of the Aquarian dress sense.
Don't try to change the Aquarian mind in a hurry. Give her/him some credit for her/his thinking.

Beautiful you:
You are a shimmering vision, if your awkwardness can be ignored. You do not waste much time being your own best friend. After all, there is a world out there waiting to be loved! You like to look natural, but a little indulgence gets the better of you from time to time. You have a fetish for anything new. And if it is natural, still better! No product in the market can escape your scrutiny, since you are always looking for something new.
You do love yourself, but you always wonder if you are good looking. Your self-esteem needs a boost. Remember, the secret of looking good is making the best of what you have. The first flush of romance or triumph adds more color to your cheeks than any shimmering powder!
No fashion trends for you! All beauty standards are your own. Your independence and love for life make you look good all the time. Your beauty is not of this world -- it's out of it.

Its Friday !!!

2006-06-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

The much awaited Friday is here…..cant wait for the time when I’ll walk out of this building today evening for two days of absolute rest and holiday…( hoping that there wont be formal visitors this weekend and the usual ones are more like family, so no extra effort ).
Though how much time I’ll have to actually relax is yet to be seen…..cos I have a long list of chores already lined up for the two days. But at least there wont be the early morning chaos to reach office in time….specially when I being a fresher have to make it in time while other people at home are still snoring away when I leave the house! They have the liberty to go at their will, be it 11’o clock or even noon. I’m so jealous of these people who’ve already reached the comfort zone in their career.
I cant even say I’ve been working like a dog….our dog at home actually lives like a “nawab”! Just a month gone by and I’m already tired of it al…its just plain and simple hard work…nothing intelligent, nothing challenging…..but pure mechanical life here.
Have collected around more than 10 sudokus to solve…hope I can find time to do so this weekend. Something that was no less than an addiction earlier is now slowly being pushed to the far corners of the priority list in the daily schedule.
Will try to make the best of these two days…………..hope to catch some good movies, shop around for things needed to set up the house properly and most importantly, get the gas connection transferred!
Am yawning already…..why are days sooooo long?

poisonous words.....

2006-06-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

With the world cup football on, there is no way I can escape the soccer fever at home as well. It gets a bit too much cos everyone ended up discussing about the same in office as well! Will Poland make it? Will germany win? What happened to Brazil’s performance? And the bets over who’ll be the champ……”I’ll take you to a movie if Germany wins……and you take me to one if Brazil does…” No wonder I lost my appetite!!
And the same story at home……even while at the dining table, all eyes were glued to the TV instead of the plates in front and I had to literally ask at least thrice before eliciting a response from people.
Anyways, the match left me with leisure to watch a movie I had long been planning to. So finally I did manage to watch the “Schindlers’ list”.
No wonder it has been vouched as a great movie!
With some more time in hand, I browsed through some old blog links that I had…..some of them which I purposely had been avoiding for quite some time. So many emotions reflected in few words…..thats the art of writing….vengeance, frustration, spite…….i could see them all. Left me wondering…do I want to read all this? Do I want to know the dark side of the story? Do things actually change so……from something beautiful to actually a feel of being harassed? People can actually make their point so well through this medium…..express their opinion, even threaten others in oblique and yet not so oblique terms……call them names…..”beware you mean things” !
Don’t know about the mean things, I was definitely scared !
Taking Bhownku for a walk is a far better option I realized……at least both of us got some fresh air to clear our heads of the venomous words....me after reading what i did, and Bhownku after Sirjee's scoldings....

Rude food story......

2006-06-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

Its enough ! its been a month and half of deprivation and I’ve decided to revolt. I have been forbidden from eating everything that used to be my food till I landed up here……so no breads, no magi or noodles, no cornflakes even, no biscuits, jam , butter or ketchup…..no pizzas ( buhuuu..huuu…) no burgers, no chips or wafers, no cakes and pastries…..
Its just pure “satvik” bhojan all the time. I’m tired of it all! Wanna break free now. At least I’m free to have anything for lunch ( cos I have it in office, so no policing like the one at home). Unfortunately the office canteen doesn’t offer me much of a choice. Those same sandwiches and burgers everyday, without any variation. But as long as its bread, no complains! The black forest is actually good. So I’ve been indulging myself secretly these days. Coming to office, I wish the coffee and tea vending machine was closer still, so that we didn’t have to use the access card everytime we needed water, tea , coffee or for that matter even use the restroom. So much for the high security zones!
The only advantage ( or disadvantage ) of the office is that there is no way one can be aware of the weather outside. Irrespective of time, every hour looks the same. However, office does provide a better option than home in terms of comfort, cos nothing less than air-conditioned office could beat Delhi’s heat, specially when there’s no escape from persistent power-cuts during the day at home. The evenings are fairly better, so stepping out of office in the fresh air is actually quite welcome. And then begins another story altogether…..battling with vegetables in the kitchen, keeping a ready stock of supplies, etc….
Anyways, getting back to the rude-food story, there’s this huge shopping mall just a stone’s throw from my office….. actually mid-way between my home and office. One can find the best of the food outlets there…all the pizza huts, Mc Donalds and a couple of coffee bars and ice-cream parlours as well ( my fav baskin robbins too!) Only if I had some good company, cos food, however good it is, doesn’t taste the same when you are alone. Good food tastes best when shared…..so am hoping some of my friends will find some time to splurge on food with me.
Till then, its just “satvik bhojan” for me. Don’t worry my fav junk foods…...here I come..very soon!
Mission junk food begins with me smuggling in a pack of banana chips to office…..so its right here in my drawer and I can munch on it slowly while I work as well…..howz that?

Gone with the wind.....

2006-06-14T02:37:00.000-07:00

Those were the days….when even amidst classes and assignments I could grab a few hours of sleep, enjoy some blissful moments with friends and the solitude of the terrace, when there was no work but to eat and sleep and study at times…….
Life’s taken a turn now……gone are those days of leisure and fun and freedom. No longer can I scream the way I used to, or make faces at each other, get into playful fistfights and a lot more things…..
Life’s become a lot more disciplined, with me becoming the well-behaved perfect Indian bride, the ever smiling ever patient good soul. There’s work, work, more work and some more work…..at home, in the office….everywhere. The terrace at home which was supposed to be the high point while selecting the house, lies neglected as I have been there just twice till today! The television which I missed so badly in the hostel has barely had 10 minutes of my time till date……
The same goes for the broadband connection at home……No time to even check my mails at home!
Always thought that once I’m over with studies, I’ll read lots and lots of novels the whole day. Today I have cupboards full of all kinds of books, but no time. Only if I had more time…..i could do so much more, so many things that I’ve always wanted to…listen to music, read books, paint, sketch, laze around, gaze at the moon from the terrace....the list is endless……but not the time. Time is slipping away….leaving me a lot more insatiate, dissatisfied, with a feeling of chaos deep within.

One of the old friends called up today….and asked me how and when did I get married. Also asked about the person she had seen me with at Nirula’s in the university campus some two years ago……Those old days keep coming back. I still wonder if I’d want that life back..those three wonderful years of my life….friends, hostel, the lawns library…everything. Ahhh yes, the yummy chicken momos! Its actually been sooo long…..
Can I have a time machine please??

coincidence...

2006-06-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

Its actually a small world! There was this guy whom my parents had once approached around three years ago for matrimonial alliance. But somehow it was too early for both of us and none of the families were very keen on the match. So the issue was shelved.
Now after all these years I am working as a trainee under him! We laughed our heads off at this discovery. What we thought would be embarrassing for us was in fact a stepping stone to a good friendly relationship. Now Ma is trying to convince me to ask his opinion about M, as if the poor girl hasn’t enough of her problems already.
Lets see, who knows…things may actually work out!
Princess finally met her prince charming this month, though I haven’t been able to talk to her personally abt the meeting. Hope to do it soon.
This day is some sort of quite memorable one…..Baba shaved his beard…perhaps 4th or the 5th time during his entire life till date…the last one being his own wedding. He definitely looks quite handsome…all clean and “chikna”.
People do change….i accept now. Anyways, I’m too happy at this. Sharadji came down for dinner and said that the change was quite apparent in everything. As long as its positive change, I needn’t bother.
Everything’s not actually as bad as I had anticipated. Things are quite smooth and under control…touch wood!

Reunions and farewells....

2006-06-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I’d close my orkut account, I found so many of my old school mates and old friends. That definitely changed my mind..at least to postpone the idea for a while. So many old friends from school, from college, from my MH hostel…….a lot of whom I had been trying so hard to contact. Thanks to orkut !
Couple of good news……both R and M got admissions to engg colleges. Baba was specially elated when they cleared the exams. So the fee drafts made and formal procedures over, our house will be almost empty within a month or so. I have become so used to them being around and helping me in the kitchen as well that I’m definitely gonna miss them terribly.
Of course Sirjee will be there for another year, so I’ll have some kind of support from him. A is leaving for the U.S as well, so its just a matter of another month with him as well. Am planning to ask him to move in with us for this last month, it’ll be easier for all of us. And then I’ll be able to pamper him much better if he’s around oftener.
Have been doing some looking around in this area……for milk parlours, green grocers, grocery shops, beauty parlours, tailors, etc…..besides the usual dhobi, watchman, newspaper boy in the society. Life seems to be getting on a normal track slowly. Babuji will be here to stay with us in a few days.
I was quite careless with papa and ma but I need to be very careful with Babuji and take good care of him. Ma’s operation went on well, thankfully. It would have been far better had Moni been around. Poor thing, even she has her share of involvements. 22 weeks in a village is not gonna be easy!

Adapting to the change...

2006-06-13T04:55:00.000-07:00

Bhownku’s getting more and more “human” these days, to the extent of testing my patience. These days he insists on sleeping in our bed, right next to me! Baba has definitely spoilt him. As if the dog hair all over the house was not enough to keep me occupied with the back-breaking cleaning every morning! Now I can feel it all over my bed, black and pricky, shining all over the sheets. He’s such a “nawab”, he’s actually quite prompt in taking the best place right in front of the cooler, refusing to budge an inch. All my efforts trying to keep him out of my bedroom have fallen flat, for even if I succeed for a few minutes, his incessant knock at the door is so irritating that its easier to have him inside the room. What more, he thinks I’m the villain in the house trying to keep him away from his Baba!
Baba refuses to chain him, and it gets quite painful for those who take him out for evening and morning walks. At least he climbs the stairs himself now, thankfully.
Perhaps he’s missing his girlfriend quite a bit. Will ask Baba to take him to Air force station to meet her someday, but then that would mean more of dog vomit in the car and same struggle trying to get Bhownku back home. Nah….bribing Bhownku is a better option.

The other day Baba took Bhownku for a late night walk. There was this person from our own society, driving this “Honda City” who stopped by and almost shouted, “who’s dog is this?”
Baba kept quite for a while, and then said that the dog lives in 5D and he was in the service of the dog. The man mellowed slightly and said that even he had a dog, a “German Sheppard”. “There’s a difference between the breeds you see”. Baba immediately supported, “of course there’s a difference between breeds. You shouted the moment you saw Bhownku, while he didn’t on seeing you.”
The man started his car and left immediately. He’ll know better than to argue with Baba from next time, or call Bhownku an ordinary dog. Baba’ll make sure everyone respects his Bhownku from next time.

The drudgery....

2006-06-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

The house still quite bare…..much like the bachelor’s flat that it is. Bro said that our family looked like the one in the movie “satte pe satta” where I just need to start off with a whip in a bid to “civilize” the underclad boys in my house. It is definitely a Herculean task with Baba leading the team of tarzans. Poor me, it wont be long before I give up trying.In fact, at times I feel its easier to join their lot to complete the count from six to seven for more closer association with the movie’s name, and then keep waiting for a “Hema Malini” to do the job….. that definitely sounds easier!
It took me sooo much of pushing and nagging to get at least a refrigerator and a cooler for me! The life’s definitely very hectic…..me trying to juggle between the pressures at the office and handling guests and visitors at home. There are people dropping by everyday, just those formal visits where they think its their duty to do so just because we’ve moved in a new house, some kind of mandatory obligation it seems. Yet its so much fun with the boys ever ready to help me with everything , cracking jokes and ready with their instant quips. Perhaps that’s the reason why I don’t feel tired even after hours of slogging the whole day. There’s just the physical fatigue which I’ll get used to very soon.
Baba got us a sofa , an inverter, a mixer-grinder, a computer table for our system and a centre table….so the house looks comparatively occupied now, not the huge playfield that it used to. The AC’s on the cards next, let me see if I can coerce him soon enough….

The new beginning..

2006-06-13T03:49:00.000-07:00

So I’ve begun with my new life…..so different from the one I used to live, almost a striking contrast in several ways. A change is always fun and refreshing, also tests one’s level of adaptability and patience. Its definitely not easy…….i can vouch for that.
We are six people living together….me, my husband, his younger brother and two of the students who are under our care ( Anandji helps a lot of talented students in all possible ways). Ohhh ! that’s just five..
sixth is the head of the family…..the “boss”…..thats our dearest dog “Bhownku” , called so because he would rarely bark. But then its said “barking dogs seldom bite”.
People who know me from my pre-marrriage association, would be surprised at this. I was one of those people who are shit-scared of dogs. To this day when I live with one, touching him, holding him close, I’m still the same person.
Perhaps what helped me accept him was his innocence, the way he’d look up at Baba and me, wagging his tail, rubbing himself against my leg and so on.
The way he left his 52 acres of home to live with us within a confined 17oo sq yards space at the fourth floor of an apartment building helped me empathise with him, cos I had left my home to live in new situation, with new people in a new city….
Donning the role of a mother to these 3 boys and Bhownku, here I am !

daily fortunes....

2006-04-16T01:22:00.000-07:00

15th april
Today's fortune:
"You will always have good luck in your personal affairs ."

16th april
Today's fortune:
"Your dearest wish will come true ".

All of a sudden its "lucky" me these days !

the sensitive lot.....

2006-04-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

I wake up, stretch my arms, open my eyes – smile and say – “I’m gonna be happy today, no matter what. I’ll not think about the nightmares. I’ll let absolutely nothing upset me today.”

I jump off the bed and get ready for the “happy day”. The empty walls and loneliness greet me, but I keep humming as I move around – “I’m happy!”

Get ready, look at myself in the mirror – I look pretty….another reason to make me smile!

I refuse to read the newspaper – its full of accidents and floods, murders, earthquakes, rapes……everything that’ll never make anyone happy. Ignorance is definitely a bliss!

I step out, take a deep breath and start my day……….

Yes! I really feel happy now!

I hear a fire-engine far away, the sharp noise of the bells clanging frantically, filling the air with a sense of urgency. Someone’s house is burning down perhaps, somebody’s world is falling apart…..

I’m safe and I’m happy !

I hear a siren coming closer - an ambulance speeds past…..some accident? Heart attack? Burnt?

Who cares? I can’t help them. At least I’m safe and happy.

A dog lying in the middle of the road ; perhaps run over by a speeding vehicle. I slow down. The sight of blood makes my heart lurch, but instantly I ignore and move away.

Afterall, I have to be happy.

I make an attempt to not look at those beggars on the streetside today, sitting with their begging bowls – the lepers, the crippled, the old, blind and the deaf, with small emaciated children running around – sans clothes, sans food, sans education, sans “life” in totality.

But I’m happy!

Few minutes halt at the traffic signal. I hear snatches of some news headlines from the street peddlers selling newspapers….

“earthquake in some corner of the world, millions injured.

A cyclone killing thousands of people elsewhere.

A volcano erupts in Japan killing hundreds of people.

A bomb explosion and terrorist attack somewhere…”

I ignore the all……I’m happy!

Oh yes! Mughal Gardens, rashtrapati bhavan open for public from today! I smile at the thought of lovely flowers.

Life sure is beautiful…there’s so much to make us happy, so many reasons to smile, so much to enjoy and cherish.

Heard so many people claim to be “emotional” and “sensitive”…

Wonderful words!

Afterall, haven’t I been sensitive to the world around me the whole day?

I am sensitive, so I shut my eyes. I can’t see so much pain and suffering, so I close my eyes and pretend they never existed at all!

Remembered a friend – he was so disturbed by the plight of people and the pain and suffering in India that he decided to settle abroad where he wouldn’t have to see those beggars and slums, the sight of which pained him so much. I call him escapist.

Sensitive people like him and me can definitely make this world a better place to live in….

What say?

adrift..afloat..out of control.....

2006-04-05T05:02:00.000-07:00

“I am scared of this love,
Lest I lose it !
I am scared of this love,
What if I cannot keep it with me ?”

Love is powerful, can one ignore it?

It drew me close with its sweet smell, and I followed absolutely mesmerized.
Now I am scared lest I get intoxicated by its fragrance – my mind absolutely overpowered and clouded – so much so that my life seems to be reduced to just regaling in the sensuality of its sweetness.

It drew me close like a brook does – swift, fresh sparkling water flowing in its glory. I was captivated by the shiny silver water and the sweet gurgling sound….
I kept flowing with the current, felt the liquid softness wash over me, caress me ,till the fear of being drowned started setting in – the harsh reality, the hard stones hurting at the bottom, bruising me as the brook dragged me along.

It drew me close like the green hills….it was fascinating like the cool autumn breeze and I felt it against my face as I closed my eyes, spread my hands wide and ran down the slope…….fast and faster till suddenly I realized I had lost control – was just running uncontrollably – almost into a dark abyss ; dark only because I had my eyes shut !

Before I realized, it was too late.
I had lost my love.
More importantly, I had lost myself.
Perhaps I could never understand love, life, either? Both?
Ignorance is bliss.
Do I want it?

"Desert rose" for me......

2006-03-10T21:11:00.000-08:00

I live in the deserts, and wish for a lotus..! A perfectly unnatural and impossible combination I've realised. Absolutely unthinkable. And then i blame the lotus for depriving me! Wouldn't it die with me?
I must learn to live in the sands with my very own rose.....for even though it has thorns, its at least mine, its at least with me.
well, It doesn't "sting" anymore.

2006-03-10T20:54:00.001-08:00

The matrimonial ads….

“Wanted……a beautiful, fair, slim, simple professionally qualified homely girl for……blah blah……”

I’ve always wondered what these men wanted? A “professional” “homely” girl ?sounds pretty confusing to me. I’m sure he must be just as confused. I wouldn’t be surprised if 90% of the male population who are on the lookout for their perfect “brides” through such advertisements are in such confused state. So, would they want an MBBS, or an engineer or for that matter an MBA girl as a “homely housewife” for them?
Perhaps the degree or the professional qualification would sound nice and bombastic while boasting about it to others (would add to his “status” you see) while he would still expect her to “sacrifice” her career aspirations to the more important role of being the perfect wife and mother. What he wants is perhaps a good combination of a “caring mother”, a stylish modern and savvy girlfriend to show off as an ornament over his arm, a perfect cook and washerwoman , a perfect combo of a person who’d accompany him to his corporate parties as well as not mind donning the apron everyday at home, hovering over him all day long.
Am not at all against educated housewives. In fact I applaud those women who choose to give up their aspirations because they want to be there for their family and kids…..women who prefer being a “home manager” rather than being the same with some firm. I’m gonna be one among them if given a choice. Afterall this requires a lot of expertise too! What is important here is the element of CHOICE…..while I wonder how many in our society are free to exercise this choice.
There are instances and cases of ego-clash between man and wife over the job related issues where the wife has to give up in majority of cases…whether it is regarding work schedule, transfer of the wife to a different place, wife earning more than the husband, sharing of responsibilities at home and so on and so forth…...the list could be a long one. Talking about the “greatness of women as a mother” and their expertise in handling and managing their “dual role” with a job as well, men still expect their wives to handle the kitchen and the kids ( plus their homework and school activities ) as well after a long day in office. Its women’s domain you see !

On second thoughts……
On second thoughts, I can’t blame the men alone. Afterall I’ve seen almost all the men in my life ( be it grandfather, my dad, my uncles…) as the perfect support to their working wives. It’s the perfect “husband loving doting traditional wife” who’d still hate to see her husband in the kitchen – the forbidden territory for men !These are the ones who raise the expectations of other men as well who expect their wife to be ready at their service every moment, at their beck-and-call…..something which is quite impossible for the working women of today. As if the only way to love one’s husband was keeping him away from the hearth! Or if they think men are incompetent enough to handle a knife in the kitchen or that they would be out of place within that area, high time that they woke up to the fact that men can be far better at even changing nappies ,leave alone being creative in the kitchen.
Let us accept, its not about role reversal when we talk about men in the kitchen or women at workplace. Its about versatility, about sharing of responsibilities, about caring and about doing what one wishes to.
I have a word for women who take it as their sole responsibility for “perfection” as wives whose “paradise” lie at their husbands’ feet – they create problems for a lot of other women. While these housewives think that they show their love for their husband by not letting him take even a glass of water by himself, or not letting him move “even a finger” while at home, such examples lead to the expectation of every house to have such a perfect “K-serial” bahu for them as well. If this is what love is all about, then there is a lot of problem for the career women who are not able to do all this for their husband, for lack of time, and also because they don’t feel the need. Afterall would it be a big deal if the husband himself got his own glass of water? And get the same for his wife as well (that’s what grandmas would see as worse still…Shiva Shiva !) when she gets back from office?
Now that’s what I’d see as perfect love, care and understanding each other’s needs and keeping away from unnecessary expectations.
In short, the best things in life are simple, only if we let them be. Only if people realized the importance of simplicity…..living the way they wish to instead of peeping into other people’s lives and comparing different situations. Afterall, there’s just a few hard core rules in life; everything else is conditional, relational, situational and subjective to a lot of other factors. Simplicity is the keyword…the mantra to harmony and happiness.

The art…..

2006-03-10T20:54:00.000-08:00

Heard someone saying….. “Cooking ! I don’t even know how to boil an egg !”
Bravo!
Nothing unusual..20 plus “dainty ladies” boasting about not knowing how to boil tea or eggs……the “delicate darlings”, all set to “rule” the world ! How elite !
Who said one needed to know even the nominal cooking to survive in this world?

What we fail to realize that one needs to know at least the basics, at least for oneself if not for your husband ( this is how girls usually scorn….. “are we gonna turn into cooks for our husbands ? No way !)

The real essence lies in treating it as an art – doing everything with interest and finesse, giving it your best shot…..the creative you and the use of your sensory powers and you are sure never to go wrong. I consider myself one among the privileged few who developed a liking and an interest for this art quite early in life ( though I’m slightly losing the much needed patience ). Can’t say that I started preparing early, keeping in mind that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” It just fascinated me and the praise that I’d get was the added bonus !
I remember all my friends telling me that my husband would be very lucky to have me as a wife simply b’cos I cooked well. However, it’s a different story altogether now, given that he is a far better cook and a better food critic as well.
But then, I’m ready to enjoy the privileges of sharing my life with a perfectionist……hope he’ll help me excel too!

Just realized the magic of good food….this is it! Am ending on such an optimistic cheerful note even though I began on a terribly scornful one. Well, the very thought of good food is enough to make me smile :).
And for all those delicate darlings yet to learn the art of boiling eggs, make sure that your husband is patient enough to hear you through this dialogue, and secondly make sure he knows cooking and is willing to teach you as well. Otherwise, you must be at least well off enough to have perfect “kitchen crew” who’d never go on a single leave …..cos of course, you don’t even know how to boil tea! Happy “dependence on servants” to you !

A Prayer...

2006-03-06T22:00:00.001-08:00

This is my prayer to thee my Lord,
strike at the root of penury in my heart.
Give me the strength that i need to bear all joys and sorrows,
'cos being happy and sad both take an effort.
Let me strive towards that stage when i can experience things beyond happiness and sadness,
being indifferent to the extent that i dont let exterior factors affect my emotions.
Let the source of everything lie within me..... "Cos if something makes me happy, not having it will make me sad as well.
Help me move out of this worldly cycle of trivialities.
Dear Lord, help me move beyond the frivolity of dreams and wishes and aspirations and ambitions...
Help me rise like a phoenix from its own ashes......
Help me move closer to you, to move closer to myself.....my own inner self....my soul.
Thanks for making me the chosen one.....for giving me all of the "joy" that i deserve......thanks for making me a part of your "Anand".

words from my diary....

2006-03-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

The only thing constant in life is change.....
...so am waiting for constancy in my life......

through the transition.....

2006-02-27T18:16:00.001-08:00

Had been thinking for a long time to write about this..about the transition in my life brought about by the significant event called “marriage”. I call it an event and more correctly “an event of the year” if not century, considering the ups and downs we’ve had.

Three postponements gave us a long courtship period which according to my sis was wonderful because it gave me an opportunity of what she calls as “licensed flirting”. As for me , I would have been more appreciative had I known that this would be diluted considerably post-wedding.

Two months of married life so to speak, but the idea will perhaps take a little more time to sink in….perhaps not till I “actually” begin my married life, and the two months of hostel life will give me the much needed time.

In short, its difficult. From being the eldest in my maiden family to being the youngest in the new one….is an interesting experience altogether. So from being called “didi” to becoming a “dadi” and “nani” – the transition was sort of overnight.It was so cute the way my nephews and nieces would call me “didi” instead of auntie because I looked young. Large families have their own advantage – you have a lot more people to love and pamper you, specially when you are the youngest.

From being absolutely wary of animals, specially dogs to becoming a dog-lover comes naturally from being married to a person who is an ardent animal-lover. Afterall, had I not been prepared to live with twelve stray dogs from day one. It feels wonderful to be married to a man who people say is “not so ordinary” at all. But then it does make me feel quite small at times…..quite imperfect most of the times. Afterall till date I haven’t been able to figure out anything at which I could be better than him. Its impossible to be better than perfect. Nevertheless, I’m gonna keep trying…

The skepticism and apprehensions – “would I still be accepted by my friends? Will I change? Will marriage change the way I think?”
Constant anxiety…..if I’ll turn into those “auntie-types” who have nothing better to talk about but dresses, jewellery, make-up, “saas-bahu” stories and other never-ending useless non-productive banter that we constantly and very commonly come across….in short, the typical “kitty-party” talks.
Thanks to meera, for being patient with all these questions of mine….and bearing with my constant enquiries about the degrees of change that she has seen in me, telling me if they are positive ones or not and assuring me that I still am a part of the “sane” community. Hope to maintain my originality…..and hope you’ll be there in future too my princess !

MUSINGS…. RIGHT UNDER THE TEACHER’S NOSE…..

2006-02-27T18:16:00.000-08:00

There are times (and more often than not) when I’ve felt that we (as in Meera and me) start thinking from where the others stop. So in terms of planes of thought compared to the people that we are living with, we consider ourselves slightly “elite”.
And then to think that all our “profound” thoughts and ideas are not so profound afterall…’cos there are people at a still higher plane. But then experience counts. So probably with as much exposure and experience in life, we could have ben much the same or who-knows, better perhaps J
So I’d rather believe that we are still ahead of our times !
The ones who’ve reached the pinnacle of perfection at the top have stopped, but we are still through an ongoing process – a far desirable state so to speak. We are progressing – stumbling along the way, but still progressing nonetheless.

Probably this is why we dismiss most of our class lectures as useless and frivolous. Afterall, do they ever have anything to offer except of course the theoretical concepts?
Anyone can read them and even understand far better perhaps. Why then do we waste our time listening to the innumerable painful lectures?
We have a valid reason – simply for the count of attendance frankly. Also ‘coz the “freaks” like us would otherwise never bother to even try to understand the theoretical concepts which anyways are useless in the future.

We have with us people whom we call fools….fools who waste their time behind those fat heavy books, mugging away at all possible places that you can think of – mess-hall, stairs, corridors. And freaks like us ,who’d rather enjoy the star-studded night sky and the cool breeze on the terrace, sharing more profound ideas that those books would not even care about !
I might sound snobbish, but do I care? Nah .

One virtue that we can boast of –“persistence” or rather “steadfastness”.
Two years of “rigorous tutoring” failed to change / transform us into “more earnest” fools from the “one-night genius’” freaks that we are.
Honestly, living like freaks is a lot more fun than wasting ourselves like those fools. But nevertheless, it is frustrating to be stuck in a place which has more of fools and just or exactly a handful of freaks. So keeping our originality intact amidst this vast majority, not letting them “contaminate” our pure, innovative and “kachhra-less” minds has been a Herculean task.
Kudos to us !
So Meera, aren’t we proud to be “we”?

..things fall apart...

2006-02-24T08:22:00.003-08:00

……there are times when you feel that the lines hold so true –
“things fall apart
the center cannot hold..”

she saw her whole world crumbling down, disintegrating slowly – slowly turning into naught – diminishing into nothingness…..
something that was her life…..the next moment it wasn’t, and then again it was, and then again…will it be?
Was there an escape, a respite, a relief, a way out of the vicious cycle?
How and where did it go wrong?

The foundation was strong, the edifice absolutely firm. She decided to build up on it herself, picking one brick at a time, one by one, laying them – but unfortunately all out of alignment. One after the other she kept arranging them wrong – how and why?
What she thought was right wasn’t so anymore.
The sense of despair kept setting in. she knew very soon it would be time when the structure would come down….the bricks would not be able to hold the wall together, but give way. Actually very soon there would be no wall at all.
The foundation would surely remain, of course but would there be a second chance to build up on it, again?
Only if I could tell her, help her, rescue her..I wish I could tell her to be strong enough to get out of the “damsel in distress” frame, waiting still for her knight in shining armour to come and save her.
I wish I could explain the need to get out of her dreamland, the beautiful fantastical world in her mind, and learn to face the real world herself.
I wish I could make her believe that she was still alive !!

Only if wishes grew on trees….

2006-02-24T08:22:00.002-08:00

She wanted lots and lots of flowers , lots of them to cheer her up, lots of bright ones to add colour to her life…….
……and there were no florists, no gardens, no flowers !

Wanted lots and lots of chocolates, those that melt beautifully and deliciously in the mouth, wanted to savour the wonderful taste, the smooth melting flavour……
…….and not a penny had she in her purse !

Wanted to read, read a lot, all those wonderful books out on the shelves….with those colourful beautiful attractive covers…..the classics, the fantastical, the romantic, the thrillers…..all of them….and more and more and still more…..
……and realized she couldn’t understand the language anymore !

Wanted lots and lots of love, lots and lots of joy, lots of wonderful friends, lots of people who’d care for her and pamper her. Wanted perfect happiness, peace and satisfaction….
……no one could tell her where one could get them!

She wanted to give it back to the people, slap them, hit them hard, punish them for affecting her life……and..
……her hands refused to move.
She tried to glare at them, scare them off with a stern look…and…
……she stared back at her own face – grinning back at her, shamelessly and hopelessly.

Melanie and her Doll

2006-02-24T08:22:00.001-08:00

She had a beautiful doll. She loved her dearly – as the most precious possession of her life.
One day she wanted to love her…hugged her, held her so tight that she couldn’t breathe……
…..so tight that her love killed her.

One day someone else touched the doll. Melanie couldn’t bear it – she went to clean her…..cleanse her of all the memory of “that touch”. She rubbed her, scrubbed her hard, bruised her and……
…..and killed her.

The doll had been lamenting being separated from her loved ones at the shop – from those that were like her. She mourned, and starved for a long time.
Melanie fed her – overstuffed her and kept stuffing wonderful things in till…..
……till it killed her.

just meh...

2006-02-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

People say happiness is a state of mind.
I live in a different country or world altogether it seems..!!

suicide justified....

2006-02-20T00:20:00.000-08:00

There are a number of ways of committing suicide.Killing one’s body is going against the wishes of God,an insult to His creation.But killing one’s soul and living a lifeless life is worse still perhaps. i wasn't wrong perhaps....

Analogies....how true !

2006-02-20T00:04:00.001-08:00

Love is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to for through which only a trickle of water can pass,that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible and what is not, it doesn’t even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control. “Love is a trap.” We see only its light when it appears, not its shadows. Being in love ……….. is like narcotic.At first it brings the euphoria of surrender.The next day you want more. You are not addicted yet,but you like the sensation,and you think you can still control things.You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for two hours. But then you get used to that person and you begin to be completely dependent on them.Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes.

More of Coelho's wisdom....

2006-02-19T21:44:00.002-08:00

True love is an act of total surrender.
Sooner or later, we have to overcome our fears, because spiritual experience can be had only through the daily experience of love.
Coelho says that in real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.
Anything else is fantasy.

The wise are wise only because they love.And the foolish are foolish only because they think they can understand love.
Lovers need to know how to lose themselves and then how to find themselves again.

The wiser me...

2006-02-19T21:44:00.001-08:00

Life’s not abt the number of times we breathe, but about the moments that take our breath away.
Afetrall, its quality that matters and not the quantity.
Kudos to me for finaly realizing this !

From Coelho's "By the river Piedra i sat down and wept"

2006-02-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

A Spanish missionary was visiting an island when he came across three Aztec priests. “How do you pray?” the missionary asked. “We have only one prayer,” answered one of the three Aztecs. “We say,’God you are three,we are three. Have pity on us.” “A beautiful prayer,” said the missionary.”But it is not what exactly the one that God heeds.I’m going to teach you one that’s much better.” The Padre taught them a Catholic prayer and then continued on his path of evangelism.Years later, when he was returning to Spain, his ship stood again at the island.From the deck, the missionary saw the three priests on the shore and waved to them. Just then, the three men began to walk across the water toward him. “Padre! Padre !” one of them called , approaching the ship. “Teach us again that prayer that God heeds. We’ve forgotten how it goes.” “It doesn’t matter,” responded the missionary,witnessing the miracle. And he promptly asked God’s forgiveness for failing to recognize that He speaks all languages. The story illustrates the fact that rarely do we realize that we are in the midst of the extraordinary.Miracles occur all around us, signs from God show us the way, angels plead to be heard, but we pay little attention to them because we are taught that we must follow certain formulas and rules if we want to find God. We do not recognize that God is wherever we allow Him/Her to enter. Traditional religious practices are important, they allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer. But we must never forget that spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love. And with love, there are no rules The heart decides , and what it decides is all that really matters. All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears,”I’m suffering for a love that’s not worth it”.We suffer because our love is going unrecognized.We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience.Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of the era. They have been joyful – because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss.

These are a few of my favourite things...

2005-10-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

I loooooooooove babies;)

2005-10-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

My Tale..

2005-10-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

In my tale i find
The furrows of desertion and dried up tears
which, ebbing leave a sterile track behind,
over which i plod heavily, the memories of past years
what is left,but to crawl the last sands of life
where not a blossom, not a flower appears.

Ambitions of life and desires all in vain
I wear the shattered links of the world's broken chain
In my narrow being, i dared to aspire
beyond the fitting medium of desire
which once kindled is now left unquenched evermore
Nothing remains,but a fever at the core.

From petty perfidy to mighty wrongs
Have i not seen what human things could do?
From the loud roar of the teeming throngs ,
to the small whisper of the paltry few,
They all attacked with their poisoned fangs -
subtler venom of the reptile crew.
Without utterance, shrug or sigh
learning to lie with silence, would seem true.

Ruins of a broken promise,
the chars of destruction that is.
Through the dust and blackness as i pass,
a sigh escapes,wat remains is 'alas'.
Wrecks of another world,skeleton of the old form -
whose ashes are still poignantly warm.
The unruffled mirror of the loveliest dream,
broken now,cannot even reflect a beam.
The agonies remaining, are evils of the day.
The world at our feet,was it as fragile as clay?

Aurora

2005-10-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Under the Lilacs........

2005-09-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

Under the lilacs….

There was a Turkish pavilion, just like the valley of love .
Aah ! that was a perfect dream! The valley dotted with flowers; all pinks and reds and yellows and lilacs and the buttercups everywhere, the butterflies hovering over them, kissing them tenderly, filling themselves with the sweet nectar from the flowers. The flowers nodding their heads in approval, eyeing each other with pride, envy, love, blushing at the attention and drooping under the weight of its own vanity.
The bower with the seat, shaded with jasmine trees and overgrown with honeysuckles led me to that perfect setting where nothing seemed to go wrong, where everything seemed just right, where the line between dreams and reality blurred. The only thing that existed was perfection, the ecstasy of love and the divinity of experiencing that.
One of the most beautiful sights I’d ever seen !
From then onwards, whenever my thoughts wandered, they always returned there – the paradise of love, free of all care, free of all worries – more beautiful than anywhere I’d ever been, ‘cos it held the idea of perfection, of love that I had been looking for, that I had been yearning for, craving for desperately.
And the red velvet curtains with tassels drawn across the windows blocked the beauty out!
There was a surge within me, the overwhelming desire to rush out in the open, free air, into that paradise, the Nature waiting for me with its arms wide open, waiting to gather my shattered pieces within its folds. Break free ! I heard my soul.
I made a bed of oats, under the cedar bush, near that love bower…..
With flowers strewn all over and in my arms and fell asleep….asleep after a long long time. Even the sleep had deluded me all this while. The oats – so smooth, so soft to touch, just like the human skin, caressed my entire being, my battered tormented soul and put me to rest. My first brush with tranquility in a long time. Could I forget the moment?
I had the beauty all around me, all within me. the fragrance all over and within me. The ultimate joy and the splendour of living my dream…..the perfect bliss!
And then my eyes were wide open, I was wide awake. You disillusioned me and so did sleep and my perfect dream. It never existed, it never was, it was never meant to be. The soft smooth oats were gone, & so were the lilacs, the fragrance, the love bower, everything. Bereaved of the perfection in reality- perfection that could be mine just in dreams. I woke up and found myself very sick. Ill, but not dead you see. Death forsake me too. Did it want to give me another chance…..another chance of living that dream….. I wonder! Perhaps it wasn’t as hopeless as I thought it to be.
Time to think……will it be possible for me to rise again?

About Love......

2005-09-12T00:57:00.000-07:00

About Love..
and the question continues…..the whole pain pleasure dichotomy associated with love still intrigues me. What is it actually?
The happiness at having found “love” in real sense,or the pain everytime you think that all of it could be temporary,
The pleasure when you are living those moments of bliss, or the pain when they are over,or when you feel it was too short a moment,
The satisfaction and pleasure at having found a purpose to your life, or the pain that comes with the fear of having to live without it.
The supreme joy of being loved and accepted,or the pain that comes with the insecurities linked with all of it just being a phase.
The pleasure and feeling of perfection that comes with finding oneself after losing oneself in love, or the fear of losing one’s own identity in the whole process,
The pleasure that comes with the feeling of contentment and stability out of a loving relationship, or the pain associated with insecurities which haunt one in trivial situations,
The pleasure that comes with the moments of togetherness, or the pain associated with waiting for more of such moments,
The pleasure that comes with the entrusted trust and faith reposed in each other,or the pain that comes with jealousy over trivial matters.
The pleasure at finding oneself at peace with one’s whole existence,or the pain that even a small moment of separation brings,
The ultimate pleasure and inner joy that comes with the union of the souls or the pain that the physical distance brings.
All of it comes simultaneously!
Have been through it all….the pleasures of togetherness and the agonies of long painful waiting, that seemed to go on for ever and ever….
The fault lies with me perhaps. While it should have brought peace within me, while it should have comforted my tormented lonely soul, while it should have helped me move on with a lot more confidence,while it should have helped me have more faith in myself and trust others around me, it left me just as insecure, just as restless, just as weak and just as emotionally dependent as I wouldn’t want to be. Perhaps I never was truly in love. Perhaps I never was meant to be loved. Perhaps I never deserved it!
Perhaps ,not only I failed my love, but failed myself too in the process.

The big question,,,,,

2005-09-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

“That was a moment.....a moment that i wanted to keep with me forever,locked in my mind,my memory,unscathed by the harsh realities of the life,locked away.
No other way to do so except in dream and then sleep, and die in sleep - for eternity.Wouldnt all this be mine for eternity then? And to experience the full joy of reliving that splendour, again and again, if not in reality than in dream.
And then, I wanted to die – beautifully and pleasantly without pain, among the flowers and the beauty and with you in my dreams…..”
I wonder at times, what is love? Is it a lifelong treasure “worth trying and dying for”,worth the pain that comes with it, worth the anxiety that it entails, worth the tears in return for a few moments of bliss! Have been thinking hard, how many have been lucky enough to prolong these moments of bliss to an entire lifetime.It sure needs a lot of trust, faith, patience, perseverance and of course lots and lots of real love. I always thought that more often than not, people were more in love with the idea of being in love, something that the world claims as a truly joyous state when you lose the sense of your self & try & claim your identity in the company of your other half, or better still, your better half. A perfect conglomeration of eternal blessing, perfect compatibility and carnal pleasures: the delving with passions and yet the purity of soul emphasized through the union of bodies expressing their love.
That brings me back to the same old question haunting me….what about the people who could not be lucky enough to have their love culminating in marriage? Who could not have the “eternal blessing” and the societal approval? Was their love a farce? Who decides the truth of a relationship, the authenticity and the genuineness of feelings involved? Its really strange how something like love that just happens without an effort, without trying to do so, which involves something as intangible as feelings and emotions is eventually judged by the norms of society and the social customs like caste, social status, religion, race, nationality and innumerable other factors. The one who overlooks and overrides these hurdles faces the threat of being branded as selfish,insensitive and a social outcaste. The one who doesn’t, has no option but to live a life of hypocrisy claiming that “my love was pure and true but I’m a responsible person, have my responsibilities to the society, my parents” and so on. The real me cant forget my love but the “responsible” me will live loving my wife and family ‘cos that’s what I must do and that’s what is expected of me.
Ahhh! The debate goes on forever and ever. Has been on since the time of Romeo-Juliet, Heer- Ranjha, Laila-Majnu and a lot more like them.If society couldn’t find an answer to these, who am I?Why did I even attempt to dabble with the topic? They died, leaving behind the stories of their eternal love, sacrificed at the altar of larger causes and larger issues under operation. The trend will go on. A consolation for such people in love,who think their love will live on forever is this song from “Kisna” …
‘Hum hain iss pal yahan, jaane ho kal kahan…….’
- Claiming that neither does love die nor can it be destroyed, but it lives forever and ever…
So people out there, just love each other, without any more expectations or hopes; cos if nothing ,then at least your story will be a part of the “museum of love” till eternity!

Gender Bias contd...

2005-09-12T00:49:00.000-07:00

Coming back to the gender bias,it is so evident in the composite portrait of adult womanhood in the novels of male writers.The female characters are portrayed in such a way as, there seems to be no way of knowing about oneself except through men.

The message that these tend to send across – that it is through men that women become “fulfilled” and attain true womanliness.& all this not only because they have children together, but also through the mysterious agency of the physical intimacy that they share( which is supposedly something wonderful as Lawrence writes, but at the same time too shameful to be mentioned in everyday conversation, specially by women).
Sounds quite familiar – haven’t we all heard this from the others in our homes as well ? Along with statements like – marriage and motherhood makes a woman “complete”.
Sure it does! But then the way it is made out to be – kind of binding, restriction that it is supposed to be makes it all repressive.Women are definitely seen as more responsible to their children.But isn’t the father an equal sharer of responsibility? Just because the mother has a far greater role biologically, that doesn’t mean that the father can shirk all the responsibility onto the mother.The questions may seem frivolous,but if mothers can take maternity leave, why don’t fathers go ahead with paternity leaves with just as much ease?I don’t think I have started feeling differently about motherhood and about everything that involves the traditional role of a woman.Inspite of all my prattle,I’m just another traditional Indian woman at the core.But yes, I sure have been thinking about all these and a lot more since ’03,and I’m glad about it.It gives me the comfort of being able to empathise with a lot of women leading a repressed life,and at least I’m reacting in my own small way.
I remember reading sometime in my college that the full life of the creative intellect was, and to some extent still is assumed to be a “ masculine preserve “, and since women are inferior, they shouldn’t write. As Woolf also said – it has to do with the pen being the phallic symbol, of the male organ and how the male dominated society cannot let this phallic symbol get in “female control” ‘cos it would be self defeating for men.
But then, writing does give one a lot of power, and I feel this power when I write. Isn’t it strange how men have, over the centuries built up their so called superiority on not exactly their own superiority, but on the transfixed inferiority of the female sex.So much for the anxiety with the “masculity”!

I remember our class with Ira ma’m where we were discussing Lawrence & the related feminist issues.The discussion went on to include the topic about the “Shivlingam” and how we all worship the male phallus ! I had not realized this for a long time, at least not thought about it till I was in college. Another feather in the male cap!
I wonder if there’s some logic behind that too. Could be a sign of the “creator” ,but then isn’t Shiva the destroyer too. Besides, the act of procreation is more closely related to the female and so the female system deserves more homage and worship. But then, would the male dominated masculine society accept such a thing? Never!

something to share.....

2005-09-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

A lone day, a forlorn me,
in this season of love,this spring
i'm all alone.
gazing from my window,to the streets below
on a freshly fallen silent shower of snow.....
silent as a tomb,i'm all alone.

Dont talk of love,though i've heard the word before,
its sleeping in my memory
i wont disturb the slumber
of feelings that have died.
if i 'd never loved,i never would have cried.

i have a lot,and my poetry to protect me,
i'm shielded within my armour...
and yet there's something more
for which i clamour
i need love no more,
but lost friendship to the bargain...
lost it all forever,nothing to my gain,
its my fate and its nothing i can shed,
i'm a rock now.....
and a rock feels no pain .

Aurora

2005-09-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

(Dedicated to dear Sohini.......)

caught in a limbo
between a murky past
and a quick sand of unfathomable dreams
enmeshed in a whirlpool of gyrating hopes
i stagger
debilitated,
crippled by the maze of unbridled whims
i fall into the pitfalls of delusion
did i uncork the champaigne too soon?
i stumble.
daunted by the calm before the tempest
intimidated by the still waters that run deep
i falter,
plunged in a quagmire of dwindly hopes
life goes berserk
when things fall apart
when reality hits hard --
blinded by the fallacies of vision
i grope for a promising morn
life is but a delusion
a mirage of scintillating hopes
a blind alley of thwarted dreams
yes, a glimmer of sun is all i seek
beyond the horizon
where the earth and the sky meet
isn't it darkest before dawn?
isn't every wall a door?
i believed it so.
but can i still do?

Hollow Men

2005-09-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

hollow men.....all around
voices everywhere,
yet no sound.
the eerie noise,
the shriek of silence
gracing my life
with icy fire and firy cold
this bundle of contradictions is what remains,
and nothing to hold.

i see them floating ,as i drag along
trying to escape from the blinding light.....
all day long,
and throughout the night.
invisible colours,the visible dark
no escape,no possible rescue,
we need another Noah's ark !

the cruel world....
no one'll let you alone
but disturb the still waters.....
with a stone.
each hand contributing its share,
till yu are out of breath
even in fresh air !

helpless in the lone strife
as firefly with honey,
try as much,but
one cannot escape destiny.
the blood within may boil or curdle
there still wont be any hand
to steer through the hurdle !

the sweet delirium that it was
amidst the cloud of haze,enveloped in love
now sees me in an empty space -
all clear - just me hanging...
amidst a nowhere !
the calm waters......they surely run deep,
and the rocky terrain,over which i creep....

the bloody body
all battered and bruised,
but the soul still hopeful
for the years unused.....
do i mind the extruciating pain....
even when i've lost all that i ever wanted to gain!

All That Crap..

2005-09-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

I have Meira and Abhasji to thank for getting me "rejoin"orkut.But the revealation immediately has forced me to rethink:perhaps i'm gonna regret the whole exercise.Did i want to see all this?True,this is what i wanted for a very long time,but the sight of it all accentuated the poignancy of the loss.Yes,that was all crap,and unreal,a dream....
and it does hurt when things fall apart,when reality hits hard.
And specially,when i think about the moment itself,it appears so inauspicious.While i was busy with the new bonds,"he" was trying to cope with the loss of all the old ties...all except one.Must have quite painful to see one of your child lying dead,motionless,eyes wide open,lying in a pool of blood!within a few months, losing all of 11 out of 12 of your loved ones.none of my losses could be as great as that one.
God give us the strength to move on,to see things with more clarity and find a new meaning in everything thats a part of HIS plan.Afterall,the only thing thats permanent is "change",and like a few things,this is something that i'll never forget.
Amen to that!

Waiting....

2005-09-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

“How I love the rains ! Everytime it rains, I feel drawn to it by some “need”. Its as if the water washes off and sets sailing thoughts which had grown stagnant on dry land, and gives some kind of relief – physical, mental, emotional....
It’s the same with the seas, the pulse of the colour flooding the shores ;the heart expands with it and the body all ready to swim, to be one with the waves.
Nothing exists outside us, except a state of mind; a desire for solace, for relief, something that we conjure up. That’s how I feel with the sea,
………a feeling of escape, of utter freedom – when the mind like an unguarded flame bows and bends and seems about to blow from its holding,
………a feeling of extraordinary relief, wanting nothing as much to be left alone.
So here I am,Waiting for the rains....

IF.......

2005-09-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

THE INSIGNIFICANT SELF…..
Just a name amidst countless others….
Just a face among the crowd…..
Just one insignificant existence among the teeming millions..
Just a role in the social web…..
Just a dot in the entire universe.
Where is the “self” that one wants?
DREAMS,sacrificed at the alter of bitter truths of life.
WISHES,curbed under the pressure of harsh realities.
ASPIRATIONS, thwarted under the expectations & responsibilities that one has.
Only if I can make a difference to someone's life,bring a smile to people around and die without any regrets......only IF.

Everything I do......

2005-09-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

THE CYNICAL ME !
Everything I do, I do it for ‘myself’ !
Sorry Mr Adams. Everything that you do,you do it for “the you”. & u claim that “its” worth trying for,& worth dying for too. Applause, Mr Adams! But sadly, the four letter word has seldom provided enough incentive to people to die for,thankfully. Afterall, how stupid can one be,dying over unrequited love? How naïve!
These are mere romantic fantasies propagated by the ultraromantic movies,unnecessarily inflating the “hopes” & “faith” of the new love birds. Inspite of all such huge claims of giving up life for one another,people live,& live happily,& good that they do so,for there isn’t actually much otherwise for one to do. Human mind has great capacity to adapt to changes & heart does eventually yield to the logical mind.
Hmmm ! the influence of Ayn Rand,Fountainhead & Howard Roark is a bit too evident in the response! That’s the cynical me for you.

The sun...my hope.

2005-08-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

There, I can see it, I can feel it !
The sun has risen & shines over the world; over the treetops in the garden;the light moves gradually,until it falls obliquely in through the window,on my bed.
Light,finally light at last !
Does it bring life for me? Respite from all that one suffered, hope for a better tomorrow,or is the light still elusive?
Yes the light has dawned over me! Let the clouds burst. Ohh,it’ll be such a relief to end it all,& there will be peace & calm,eternal rest for the tormented troubled souls.
The sun comes with enough forgiveness. The saviour too suffered & died on the cross for all our sins & if we go to Him with faith & repentance,He’ll take all our sins upon Himself. Where sin overfloweth,there overfloweth grace.
But have i actually sinned?If not then why the punishment,why the repentance,why the sorrow and remorse? I wish I had all the answers.

Reflections of a confused mind.

2005-08-30T23:48:00.001-07:00

The question that came to my mind was..what does being modern mean?

Does a ''modern attitude'' have to be in opposition to the traditional conventioanl societal norms? Does it necessarily have to question the traditional authority?

The general idea of being "modern" is a break from the normative, from the traditional way of looking at things, a break from the conventional way of representation of life, due to the questioning of the traditional values, morals and ethics.While values and ethics and morals are true always..they are barely understood by pple as they shud be.

i remember...during my graduation days, we had an excerpt from Nietzsche...in which he had said.....'' the ethical moral system is a fraud perpetuated by society, as a pretence created by the human society to hide the blind ungovernable forces that lie behind our thoughts and actions.'' i wrote this in my diary......cos it disturbed me then as well.

But if morality, ethics, truth( social) ...all become suspect then there will not be any basis for our actions and thoughts, no unified worldview that one can subscribe to. And yet, the very fact that there is a need for a unified worldview, leads one back to Nietzsche's idea.....the need to cling onto something...to hide the ungovernable and irresolute ideas. Its all a muddle !

i'm confused ! completely confused.

What is more important?....resolution of the disturbing ideas or resolving the rules that tend to snub them? i'm sure initially the rules were formulated according to the needs of the people and yet over time what has become more important is the absolute nature of those rules. The primacy on "rules" has led pple to manipulate their lives in conformation to the social standards.

i remember when i discussed something similar with my teachers one day, they agreed that following such prescribed moral ethical system and "rules' of living is definitely hypocrisy. Afterall we create rules for ourselves...the society. So, who decides their authenticity? Besides,something which is irrelevant or unacceptable today would be acceptable tomorrow, quite possible. But then, they also said that not following the standard rules or norms but living according to one's own will and wish is hypocritical as well. What is right or wrong, true or false is quite subjective..depends on a lot of things, including the social setup, the epoch, the particular moment and a lot of other factors.Something might be true and relevant for a particular moment and not quite so for the other.

But then again , who decides all this? If not us, then where is our own agency?We all become just the victims of social conventions and not agents of change !

If its all about following the set pattern, then there is definitely no difference between the ''brain beings'' and the herd mentality of the animals.Afterall, even they follow their rules......moving together in groups or herds, and doing what is expected of them.What is the use of our minds and intellect, our critical faculty and our jurisdiction if we don't question things and decide the way we want to lead our lives?

...and the final conclusion.

2005-08-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

"Being so still and alone,she seemed to get into the current of her own proper destiny.She had been fastened by a rope and jagging and snarring like a boat at its moorings:now she was loose and adrift, FREE !
She wanted to forget, to forget the world,and all the carrion-bodied people."Ye must be born again!"I believe in the resurrection of the body!
It had lifted a great cloud from her and given her peace finally:was it for real?Her tormented woman's brain still had no rest.She knew,if she gave herself to the man,it was real.If she kept herself to herself,it was nothing.
She had to be had for taking - yes,to be had for taking."

Ek adhuri si story......

2005-08-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

"she had been able to think of little else....missing him,praying for him,crying for him,the pain so great that for a while it somehow masked the pain of her body.what had a blow mattered, when inside she had felt as if she had already died?
Later when the fresh pain of losing "HIM" sealed over, and the realization of the lifelong despair and pain that her life would be settled in upon her,she had often dreamed that somehow HE would rescue her. But she had known that she had sinned and even as she hoped and prayed,she knew that HE would never come back.Even if HE had known her fate, HE would no longer have cared. "HE" hated her.
Finally she accepted that her dreams were nothing but that, and that no one could save her from her fate, and,gradually she ceased to feel at all, either loss or the memory of love,of GOD, all emotions ground into sand under the millstone of her marriage."

The realisation......

2005-08-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Probably I havent suffered enough,'cos when one suffers much,the capacity for suffering to some extent leaves the person and he becomes cheerful,almost chirpy.
But then when I think again, I realise, that when one so very nearly loses life,then ,that what remains behind becomes wonderfully precious.And yet when one is so much hurt that it feels something inside has perished, some of the feelings completely gone,lost forever - and what remains is a blank insistence,just a compulsion to live.

....in 2003.....''the gender bias''

2005-08-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

There are several reasons, some historical, some biological – for the gender bias. Women’s work has long been downgraded & devalued when compared to man’s work; male muscular strength has been prized above the female capacity for physical endurance; men have been the owners of wealth, property, the wielders of authority, the holders of power, the achievers, the doers, the go-getters etc.. & so on: while women have been barred from such apparently desirable positions or behavior over the centuries.

I feel, in sum, to be a ‘MAN’ is something of an effort, something to be fought for bit by bit &, when won, defended with the utmost vigilance. As if it is something which can be weighed or measured, something quantifiable & as such open to comparisons - about how ‘manly’ a man is. Perhaps the same applies to the biological reasons for the seeming frailty of the male: ‘cos not only do the women live longer than men, but for women, the act also involves no effort to ‘prove’ oneself. Whereas a man believes (rightly or wrongly) that he has to ‘perform’ & prove his masculinity, & that his performance can be assessed or measured. It sounds like a dreadful, anxiety inducing business ! But then this is what works behind the whole psychology of rape as well – to ‘conquer’ the errant female, to possess her, to subdue her, to control her & show the ‘male might’ by subjugating her, punishing her, crushing her body, her self esteem, her ego, her reputation & her whole being. Male psychology really sucks then !

A Wish ......

2005-08-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

I wish I was free,FREE ! Thats a great word! Free from everything that is so claustrophobic,so binding,so depressing.Free out in the open world,out in the forests of the morning,out in the natural beauty with none of the ugliness as a part of my life;free to do as I liked and above all to be myself,the way I'd want to be - perhaps this is what matters supremely.
Freely singing,dancing passionately,enjoying the freedom;unconstrained,unplugged existence,with nobody,absolutely NO ONE to trespass on my privacy and inner freedom.Just to shake off the old,sordid,binding,constraining connections and subjections. howz that?

I'm still alive !

2005-08-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

Back after four months since my last post.Am wondering, what kept me away?Perhaps i just didnt want to pen down my inane thoughts.....just stowed them away in the pale pages of my dark diary,holding my dark secrets for me.Am i ready to open the Pandora's box?Lets see....

whoz blogging anyways??

2005-05-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

let me start from the very beginning...a very good place to start..just as Maria said,
but hell!! forget about Maria, b'cos its Meera who comes to my mind right now.simple reason..her blogs echoed exactly how i feel.
ughhh !! life sucks !..and yet...I'm alive....just for the HECKOFIT !
so there i go now..meirz.blogspot.com.
Thanx princess..for giving expression to my state of mind as well.
and I'll always remember..to say His name,see His form,hold on.
so.finally i've begun !!