Random thoughts......

Its been 5 years…5 long years actually. And I have grown…matured…for the good or worse that can still be debated. From the sweet docile introvert to the outrageously outspoken and extrovert person, time has hardened me in a way where its difficult for me to trust any outsider or anyone blindly. Not sure if I can myself as well!

TRUST is a very difficult word and easily misused. And easily breakable too, either by near and dear ones or outsiders at the earliest outset. The thumb rule, no one needs your help and no one needs you to solve their problems. Just let people be and they’ll figure out. Helping others might just end up making you feel like a fool (while you might have given your heart and soul to honestly try and help!)

We just got back from a vacation and the idea was to get “rejuvenated”. But the fact is, you can change the place and the settings, but its difficult to change the people we are. Where ever we are, we end up thinking about the same things and worrying about the same things which we try and escape for some time. I ended up doing the same!! The holiday in fact gave me more time to “worry about” things that had been worrying me over the time. The purpose was defeated and ended up feeling too guilty to even talk about it!

That brings me to another side of the story. Either the problem lies with me, not being able to avoid negative thoughts. Or everyone around me is actually negative as I think. I will not deny the fact that may be I’m negative too, but then people around aren’t helping much either. For instance, grownups who refuse to change their habits, or bring a positive change in their lives only end up changing their ringtones and caller tunes!! How much of it can one take!! You just feel like shaking them hard and pulling them out of their comfort zone and screaming loud…”don’t you realize what you are doing?”Beyond a point it has all become too much for me to handle and my already brimming patience level seems to have spilled over now, spreading all the bitterness around. No doubt I’m scared..of where all this will lead to, where it’ll all take me. Since nothing better can follow, I’ll only end up ruining things for myself. But then this self awareness isn’t helping me either!

Its a new life...and it feels great to be alive!!!

Its reallly been long....and suddenly going through my old posts i realised they aren't so "alive" after all! The phrase remains the same but the tone has changed now. Its bright and exuberant "I'm alive" post motherhood.

Motherhood is fun!! Its the best thing that can happen to any woman. Life gets a new meaning, full of joy, wonder, excitement and unadulterated innocent pleasure.

The act of giving birth is the only moment when both pain and pleasure converge in a moment of time. It is in the manner of the sharp point of a needle, astride upon that point are both pleasure and pain, simultaneously assailing the female that is undergoing the miracle of childbirth.

I will not undermine the hard work and the efforts that go in raising a child. And yet, raising a child is the hardest, most responsible and satisfying task a human being can face. The unconditional love and warmth that a child expresses is amazing.

My own experience with my bundle of joy has been quite satisfying. I so thoroughly enjoyed the nine months carrying my baby within me, feeling happier with each passing day. Even the nausea and morning sickness (evening sickness in my case) failed to tire me. I was up and ready for the next meal immediately after throwing up my last J

The entire journey after finally holding my little bunny boy has been ecstatic. Days seem to have flown….and how!! There was so much to do and so much to plan..and I still couldn’t have enough of my baby despite 24*7 with him.

It will be two years in next two weeks that I held him for the first time and every single moment after that has been the best one till the next. The innocent charm, the incoherent words, the pranks, the wet kisses and the tiny hugs, every moment is like bliss and I feel so lucky to be living and experiencing this aspect of life. The constant rush to get home and hug my little hero is so great that no work feels important enough to hold me beyond 6 pm!! Rushing back again……ciao!!!

Halla Bol !!

While life has going on with its own pace, I've had quite a learning experience the last one year. I've discovered new facets of my personality, have come closer to myself, in fact so much so that there was a need to share my feelings with anyone. Its been a state of perfect contentment during this time that i spent with myself, doing things that i liked, the way i wished, thinking about what i want to do with my life specially the larger aspect of the vision and mission of life so to speak. There was no urge to basically write out my confusions the way it was through my blogs all this while until off course.....Halla Bol.

If I were to talk about the turning points in my life, this movie would be one of them. Not because its a well made commercial flick or the story is great...but simply because the theme was in resonance with what my soul had been crying out for all this while. The lines, the dialogues had me thinking for a long time..in fact I'm still under the spell of the movie. The only thing that i wish is that the spell shouldn't die. I couldnt stop crying for at least half an hour after the movie. Let me tell you that I'm not one of those emotional ones to shed tears with everyone melodramatic scene. The after-thoughts related to this one however had me in tears more so with remorse. It made me feel so small, so frivolous and absolutely shallow. The issue that it raised was small, but the larger implications did not escape the theme.How many of us actually think about issues or problems beyond our very narrow personal space?

So true...we have a small life and we waste it in frivilous small things and then we die..like the millions of insects or animals around us. Are we any different? Whats the use of our intellect, our feelings, our ability to feel for others and empathise..? We are all reduced to being one of the animals..fighting for our life, struggling for the material things and finally dying with even more discontment within our heart, regretting things that we couldnt do and comforts that we couldnt afford in this life. How many of us actually do things that make a difference, not just to ourselves but to the society? How many times do we actually think beyond ourselves..and think of ourselves as an extension to this society that we are a part of? We need to do things not as a favour to the society but because its our duty and because we need to contribute to the betterment of our lives and that of the generations to come after us.

There is no end to the innumerable frivolous problems that we find ourselves trapped in. All struggling for a house of our own, a nice car, the latest laptop, music system, i-pod and television available in the market..and the list goes on. Struggling with planning for the future, saving for the problems that might never trouble us, saving for old age, saving for our kids....
And then there's this never ending chain of loans and EMI's and investments...... These are all that take up most of our time and mind.And for the lucky ones who dont's seem to be involved in so much of these problems, they talk about the latest gizmos they've bought or plan to buy, the latest trips that they plan to go for... How else do you enjoy life?
Everytime i'm in a group and everywhere i hear people talk, there is nothing beyond these set of things that are being talked of. All of us live, struggle for a fairly decent life and then die...without leaving any trace behind them...dying a forgettable life. Neither they nor their work sustains the vagaries of time... How different is our life as humans then? Even dogs and insects struggle for their life, survive and die.

Time to think.

Reaching Out.....

It wasn't long ago when I was alone. It was so peaceful then. Sometimes, I wonder if I could choose it to be so always…and if I’d still love it! May be it’s my need to be all by myself at times.
The dilemma if that’s what I would like long-term is something I need to decide. A social being with limited set of defined roles or a deeper insight into my real self…..the choice is “me” against the rest of the world..including some people who mean the “world” to me.

And then, I turned an escapist cos I saw no solution…no answers. May be I no longer felt any need. Perhaps I tried being on my own, without depending on anyone..even God. But gracious that He is, He wouldn't let go. He knew I would be lost without His light around me. And I could still feel His warmth even if I never went to temple again. But then even to feel Him, I needed to be alone..or else even that assurance seemed to be fading in the mayhem all around me.
Not that I don’t need people. But I no longer remember the way to associate myself with others, feel as a part of the group and not an alien. Poor Baba has too many like me to look at. He gets busy with those who need him more and there’s always someone or the other like this at all time.
And now there is a gap between us……a gap that perhaps no human can bridge. And poor Baba is too involved in others to even notice it. And knowing him the way he is, he will perhaps never do it, but just accept things as fate. Afterall, is larger objective is related to others and not me.
So much to say. Noone who could hear, anyways. No shoulders to comfort. So, I thought I would let the world know how numb I feel.

Am waiting for a friend now..who would listen to me, pamper me, pay attention to my smallest of needs and desires……someone who would be able to take some time ONLY for me in most substantial ways.
Nothing is perhaps worse than feeling all alone in a crowd…….loneliness amongst your own dear ones. I wish I could ask someone to take me home NOW!!!
The final destination…..to peace and tranquility……….to contentment…..
I’m too tired..tired of fighting, screaming myself hoarse in futility, tired of assuring myself that I’m still alive!!!

Waiting for "Godot"...

As much as the others would be surprised, so am I on suddenly going back to "Godot" after almost 3 yrs! At this phase perhaps the sole idea of waiting for something reminds me of nothing else but that....and perhaps thats because its much more than just the act of waiting.....almost parallel to the quest of one's existential angst. I'm still on that path, in search of something quintessentially real in absolutely "real" sense..the kind of consistency that i talk about all the time and look forward to in everyone all the time. In fact, in not so much as others, i'm upset over random recent inconsistent behavior on my part as well......over my impulsive responses to everything, waivering between the positive and the negative swings as manipulated by others !! I wish i could be strong enough to see through things....to realise the long term implications of what others actually mean.
Thats how emotional fools are.....being carried away by the instantaneous circumstances! One moment i might be very very angry over something, so hurt that mere mention of the name of somebody can drive me crazy with fury...and the very next moment all that is forgotten after just few soft words.
Am still trying to find out the real "Godot" for me...counting days on one hand for something so close to the superficial world and relationships....and on the other hand the larger than life quest for everything else...be it hope, be it happiness, be it peace, prosperity, success, freedom, or ulmitately the final truth of Death.
So from the time the plane lands here in Noida.....to the time the chariot leaves for the heavenly abode finally.....
I'm waiting for "Godot" :)

Let there be Light .......an awakening

“If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side”

Don’t know why, but this line has been echoing in my mind continuously for the past couple of days. At times it feels one is not able to see things from the right angle perhaps…
Or then who decides which is the right angle…cos all would look “right” from a particular direction…..so it eventually comes down to the point of view one is referring to.
In short, what is important is the right approach…..the right point of view…which should be a positive one, an optimistic one and a corrective one. The need is to be a solution provider and not just the problem identifier.
I’m still a way behind. I claim awareness as far as identifying the problem areas is concerned, but when it comes to finding the right solutions, somewhere I lack the finesse, or perhaps the experience as well.
But it’s equally true...one cannot be a perfectionist, cos it’s impossible to make everyone happy. The main aim should be to do what I feel is right and be answerable to at least myself. And yet one’s own satisfaction and happiness is dependent on and measured by the interaction and relationship with others. We are all a part of the social web. So while we all crave for that one moment of solitude and peace, of independence and freedom, we all know in our hearts that its a myth. That’s perhaps one of the most complex and yet the simplest of the paradoxes of life.

The only thing that I can look ahead in this situation is “awakening”.
“May there be light……..”

Life as it is......

One of my close friends said that "A" felt it was pretty normal for me to be the way i am these days..tired, upset and irritated 'cos i was living in a "virtual railway platform". Pretty apt description actually !
I might not have any complaints, but this was certainly not how i had figured things to be.

No water for the last 2 days, so added tensions. Bhownku has been unwell too and has been vomitting in our bed as well. And when i grumbled having to clean and change the sheets in the dead of the night, i was accused of being insensitive and pretentious. Would i behave the same way if Baba or my own child soiled the bed like this? Perhaps i would have. That doesnt mean i hate the person. But it was hard for me to convince Baba that even though i grumble when there's extra work for me , that doesnt mean i dont care.
In fact now i dont care what people think. If i'm doing my work, and if i do it honestly to the best of my abilities and intent, there is no reason why i should bother about other's words.

Need to streamline things properly and plan the schedules, specially with the coming 15 days "pooja", fasts, and never ending rituals, my presentation, interview (and food without any salt for the next 15 days).........
Time to gear up for added responsibilities, extra time for the "pooja-paath" ......another of those testing times of my patience, to show how i manage things, how good a manager i am.

Reverting to the escape mode seems a more viable option.....