It wasn't long ago when I was alone. It was so peaceful then. Sometimes, I wonder if I could choose it to be so always…and if I’d still love it! May be it’s my need to be all by myself at times.
The dilemma if that’s what I would like long-term is something I need to decide. A social being with limited set of defined roles or a deeper insight into my real self…..the choice is “me” against the rest of the world..including some people who mean the “world” to me.
And then, I turned an escapist cos I saw no solution…no answers. May be I no longer felt any need. Perhaps I tried being on my own, without depending on anyone..even God. But gracious that He is, He wouldn't let go. He knew I would be lost without His light around me. And I could still feel His warmth even if I never went to temple again. But then even to feel Him, I needed to be alone..or else even that assurance seemed to be fading in the mayhem all around me.
Not that I don’t need people. But I no longer remember the way to associate myself with others, feel as a part of the group and not an alien. Poor Baba has too many like me to look at. He gets busy with those who need him more and there’s always someone or the other like this at all time.
And now there is a gap between us……a gap that perhaps no human can bridge. And poor Baba is too involved in others to even notice it. And knowing him the way he is, he will perhaps never do it, but just accept things as fate. Afterall, is larger objective is related to others and not me.
So much to say. Noone who could hear, anyways. No shoulders to comfort. So, I thought I would let the world know how numb I feel.
Am waiting for a friend now..who would listen to me, pamper me, pay attention to my smallest of needs and desires……someone who would be able to take some time ONLY for me in most substantial ways.
Nothing is perhaps worse than feeling all alone in a crowd…….loneliness amongst your own dear ones. I wish I could ask someone to take me home NOW!!!
The final destination…..to peace and tranquility……….to contentment…..
I’m too tired..tired of fighting, screaming myself hoarse in futility, tired of assuring myself that I’m still alive!!!