Thursday, July 13, 2006

Life as it is......

One of my close friends said that "A" felt it was pretty normal for me to be the way i am these days..tired, upset and irritated 'cos i was living in a "virtual railway platform". Pretty apt description actually !
I might not have any complaints, but this was certainly not how i had figured things to be.

No water for the last 2 days, so added tensions. Bhownku has been unwell too and has been vomitting in our bed as well. And when i grumbled having to clean and change the sheets in the dead of the night, i was accused of being insensitive and pretentious. Would i behave the same way if Baba or my own child soiled the bed like this? Perhaps i would have. That doesnt mean i hate the person. But it was hard for me to convince Baba that even though i grumble when there's extra work for me , that doesnt mean i dont care.
In fact now i dont care what people think. If i'm doing my work, and if i do it honestly to the best of my abilities and intent, there is no reason why i should bother about other's words.

Need to streamline things properly and plan the schedules, specially with the coming 15 days "pooja", fasts, and never ending rituals, my presentation, interview (and food without any salt for the next 15 days).........
Time to gear up for added responsibilities, extra time for the "pooja-paath" ......another of those testing times of my patience, to show how i manage things, how good a manager i am.

Reverting to the escape mode seems a more viable option.....

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

A journey to Ithaca.....

Forwarding A's mails to him, came across the word so often that it seems to cloud my mind. Ithaca reminds me of the poem that i read during Grads, " Journey to Ithaca".However i'm not fascinated with Ithaca for the reason that A is (afterall what have I to do with Cornell University? And even if i was interested, that would never get me a place there how hard i tried in the present situation).
What fascinated me is the idea of journey...'cos i really want to get away for a while ....escape somewhere far from all this chaos, confusion and tensions that seem to envelope me like a shroud.
Craving for peace, which deludes me at work ( 'cos my training period is about to get over and job hunting doesn't seem easy considering the present constraints ) and at home as well ( its impossible if you live with so many people...the count has never been less than 7 except for two lone days till now, and currently its 10).
Actually i do feel good about being a part of Baba's "darbar" , but still i'd be lying if i said its not taking a toll on my patience. Had work been good i would have a reason to smile. But its not, and i "need" to get a job or else lots of things will go haywire......
Don't know how long will it be before i'm able to get an adequate bank-balance leave alone a decent one.
Its all so very frustrating...each day comes with a new problem, new challenges and there seems to be no end to all these never ending crises. Feels as if i have been drawn into this constant battle that involves our family, but i have just begun my life !! Am scared to ask, but only if i could know how long is it all gonna last?

Trying to escape from office, trying to get away from home........have i really become an escapist? i'd hate myself if i did, cos i've always believed in facing the situations, defeating the odds against me...though i'm yet to see if i'm able to do it this time. I remember ,there was a time when i did so and still nothing helped. Hoping situations are not as bad this time.....