Friday, December 15, 2006
Thats how emotional fools are.....being carried away by the instantaneous circumstances! One moment i might be very very angry over something, so hurt that mere mention of the name of somebody can drive me crazy with fury...and the very next moment all that is forgotten after just few soft words.
Am still trying to find out the real "Godot" for me...counting days on one hand for something so close to the superficial world and relationships....and on the other hand the larger than life quest for everything else...be it hope, be it happiness, be it peace, prosperity, success, freedom, or ulmitately the final truth of Death.
So from the time the plane lands here in Noida.....to the time the chariot leaves for the heavenly abode finally.....
I'm waiting for "Godot" :)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Don’t know why, but this line has been echoing in my mind continuously for the past couple of days. At times it feels one is not able to see things from the right angle perhaps…
Or then who decides which is the right angle…cos all would look “right” from a particular direction…..so it eventually comes down to the point of view one is referring to.
In short, what is important is the right approach…..the right point of view…which should be a positive one, an optimistic one and a corrective one. The need is to be a solution provider and not just the problem identifier.
I’m still a way behind. I claim awareness as far as identifying the problem areas is concerned, but when it comes to finding the right solutions, somewhere I lack the finesse, or perhaps the experience as well.
But it’s equally true...one cannot be a perfectionist, cos it’s impossible to make everyone happy. The main aim should be to do what I feel is right and be answerable to at least myself. And yet one’s own satisfaction and happiness is dependent on and measured by the interaction and relationship with others. We are all a part of the social web. So while we all crave for that one moment of solitude and peace, of independence and freedom, we all know in our hearts that its a myth. That’s perhaps one of the most complex and yet the simplest of the paradoxes of life.
The only thing that I can look ahead in this situation is “awakening”.
“May there be light……..”
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I might not have any complaints, but this was certainly not how i had figured things to be.
No water for the last 2 days, so added tensions. Bhownku has been unwell too and has been vomitting in our bed as well. And when i grumbled having to clean and change the sheets in the dead of the night, i was accused of being insensitive and pretentious. Would i behave the same way if Baba or my own child soiled the bed like this? Perhaps i would have. That doesnt mean i hate the person. But it was hard for me to convince Baba that even though i grumble when there's extra work for me , that doesnt mean i dont care.
In fact now i dont care what people think. If i'm doing my work, and if i do it honestly to the best of my abilities and intent, there is no reason why i should bother about other's words.
Need to streamline things properly and plan the schedules, specially with the coming 15 days "pooja", fasts, and never ending rituals, my presentation, interview (and food without any salt for the next 15 days).........
Time to gear up for added responsibilities, extra time for the "pooja-paath" ......another of those testing times of my patience, to show how i manage things, how good a manager i am.
Reverting to the escape mode seems a more viable option.....
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
What fascinated me is the idea of journey...'cos i really want to get away for a while ....escape somewhere far from all this chaos, confusion and tensions that seem to envelope me like a shroud.
Craving for peace, which deludes me at work ( 'cos my training period is about to get over and job hunting doesn't seem easy considering the present constraints ) and at home as well ( its impossible if you live with so many people...the count has never been less than 7 except for two lone days till now, and currently its 10).
Actually i do feel good about being a part of Baba's "darbar" , but still i'd be lying if i said its not taking a toll on my patience. Had work been good i would have a reason to smile. But its not, and i "need" to get a job or else lots of things will go haywire......
Don't know how long will it be before i'm able to get an adequate bank-balance leave alone a decent one.
Its all so very frustrating...each day comes with a new problem, new challenges and there seems to be no end to all these never ending crises. Feels as if i have been drawn into this constant battle that involves our family, but i have just begun my life !! Am scared to ask, but only if i could know how long is it all gonna last?
Trying to escape from office, trying to get away from home........have i really become an escapist? i'd hate myself if i did, cos i've always believed in facing the situations, defeating the odds against me...though i'm yet to see if i'm able to do it this time. I remember ,there was a time when i did so and still nothing helped. Hoping situations are not as bad this time.....
Friday, June 23, 2006
Didn’t seem friendly anymore
Felt them throttling me
….i kept thinking about those days of the yore…..
The early ties that were strong –
The memories still lingered on.
But the imprints of the wrong were stronger still,
The night had shadowed the morn !
“Holier than thou”, I say I am not
But slaughter one of my own…..i cannot.
Yet the yoke that supported me
Was stifling me every second
Helpless and cheated, I knew it was over
…beyond any regret or amend.
Living on amidst such humiliation and infamy –
My life I wanted to end…..
The pain was immense, the sores were deep
And yet I had two flowers to keep.
They looked up to me,
Their imploring wide innocent eyes…
I hugged them close
They were the little angels in my life
I’ll live for them, even with sighs.
Their tiny hands in mine,
I feel stronger.
I have a mission to live for-
To banish gunshots from their life
And fill it with sweet sounds of chime.
I will be their caring mother,
Till the end of time.
The world might be plagued with enough of crime
But I’ll take care it doesn’t cloud
Their untampered innocent minds.
Shelter them from the harsh scathing remarks
I’ll take them to paradise
And while the world scorns their tainted ties,
They will live and rise….
Far above all these lies !
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Trying for more participation and encouragement for this noble cause.
“Let the color be with them once”
Incredible India Enables the Fashion World in association with All India Life line society and Sanlika events, a business associate of the International Institute of Fashion Technology (IIFT).
An entirely Indian theme where the disabled people will bring forth the latest trends of fashion before the world with topmost models from India.
“Fashion Freedom” brings to you an opportunity to witness the world of fashion in new color and vigor. India with its multidimensional Color and culture will be presented to you in the form of landscape by our special models with disability.
Richness of Indian heritage on ramp, an opportunity to witness the clouds of Assam, the heights of Himalayas, the back waters of Kerala, folk dresses of Santhals , energy of Punjab, calmness of Gujarat, the ekatas of Orissa in ‘tana’ and ‘bana’ of south and the north.
“Fashion Freedom” will be the first of its kind fashion show to be staged at these destinations, where models with disability will test their mettle along with professional models.
The participation of these special models in these fashion shows intends to awaken and stimulate people to look and think differently about disabled people and their hitherto unexplored potential.
“Fashion Freedom” tries to draw the picturesque India on fashion canvas for the first time, which is no way lesser than any fashion show. In fact by our experience we are aware that it becomes a much discussed and reported event in the media and the society.
Its an amalgamation of trends - a theme that touches the inner core of our conscience, an effort to present beauty in most beautiful way, a dimension added to world of fashion.
The whole concept is packaged in such a way that the Glamour and Fashion remains the prime focus as in any other show, while at the same time our special models would really make it Implausible on a stretched fashion canvas.
Our last event that was held in Delhi created a tremendous hype and a live coverage was primed by Zee News. Our main motto is to take this success to further shores of the society and make this a global movement whereby the shows in Dubai and London (to start with) would be a benchmark for other international destinations to follow.
Let the liquidity of thoughts take a shape in imaginary precincts, stitched together with the theme “Incredible India” by incredible models, igniting the ramps for a cause that needs your support.
We would seek possible tie up’s with NGO’s of International repute working for similar cause in the region / country where these events would be showcased. Apart from proposing the theme “Incredible India” before nations of the world to promote the tourism and sharing colors of India, one of our prime objectives lies in to promote not only the event but also to encourage the “special” models of that region/country by their active participation, besides contributing some proceeds from the show to the NGO’s to further the noble cause.
It is a unique opportunity for anybody and everybody – especially the Global Corporates/MNC’s/Govt organizations/Individuals to not only associate themselves with an event that caters to the intellect of one and all, but also to bring a path – breaking, innovative event to the industry
This unique concept with a strong social message can reach its zenith by your active participation, support and co-operation.
· International Institute of Fashion Technology (IIFT), the premiere fashion institution of India imparting fashion education, is in its 16th year now, with over 35,000 working professionals serving the Indian garment industry in over 500 companies worldwide. I.I.F.T. is also an ISO 9001-2000 certified institution for imparting quality education having over 50 branches in India and abroad.
· Each year IIFT organizes its Annual Fashion Show event where country’s top notch models present the collection prepared by its final year students. These events are one of the few premiere fashion events of the country and are keenly watched and attended by the who’s who of the fashion industry at large.
· Sanlika Events, however, has added a new dimension to these Fashion Shows in developing the concept of Fashion Freedom and are the Global Event Managers for the same.
· All India Life Line society is an NGO registered in New Delhi, working in multiple field to promote the healthy life at large, its prime focus is promoting health related activities among Indian masses, and promote low priced cure for major diseases.
i wish someone sings for me.......
"I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you -
'Til the end of time ."
The whole song goes like this.......
That's all I wanted
Something special something sacred -
In your eyes
For just one moment
To be bold and naked
At your side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
Maybe this time is forever...
Say it can be
That's all you wanted
Something special, someone sacred -
In your life
Just for one moment
To be warm and naked
At my side
Sometimes I think that you'll never
But something tells me together
We'll be happy
I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind
I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you -
'Til the end of time
That's all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken
For a crime
That's all I wanted
Just to see my baby's
Blue eyed shine
This time I think that my lover
If we have faith in each other
Then we can be strong
If you are the desert
I'll be the sea
If you ever hunger -
Hunger for me
Whatever you ask for
That's what I'll be...
So when you remember
The ones who have lied
Who said that they cared
But then laughed as you cried
Don't think of me
Because all I ever wanted
It's in your eyes baby, baby
And love can't lie, no...
My love is always telling me so...
Just hold on, hold on
I won't let you go, my baby."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Have been feeling quite low since then……the same painful ordeal for Babuji, same running around and hectic schedule for Sirjee and Baba…….the same hospital yet again. Reminds me of the story of Vikram and Baital that I read as a kid..”Baital is back on the tree” and the same story is gonna be repeated in our case as well.
I’ll never talk about breaks and sleep and time to relax ever again…..’cos the moment I do so, there’s something or the other to pull me out of the lazy slumber and get me on my toes !
Hope to get through another of these testing times………Amen!
Cant help wishing though, if I could get a couple of days off…….. I really need a break quite badly. I need a break to grab 10 hours of sleep at a stretch. It seems like ages that I slept for even 8 hours in one go….. Yes, that’s what I crave for these days – sleep, long and peaceful.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
its difficult to miss the beautiful lyrics......
so here it goes....
"You fill up me senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses come fill me again.
Come let me love you, let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you
Come let me love you, come love me again.
...Let me give my life to you
Come let me love you, come love me again.
You fill up my senses like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses, come fill me again. "
Saturday’s newspaper had an article in which Pooja Bhatt confessed she has learnt a lot from her life, from her mistakes and if she were to be reborn, she’d want everything just the way they have been in this life.
Though I have had a fairly easy and comfortable life, and even I have learnt from my mistakes ( a lot of them actually ), yet there are a lot of things which I’d want to change if given a second chance. Not from my first 20 years of my life though..cos those were the best years of my life…..pure, unadulterated, uncomplicated, sheltered and protected life, where there was just perfection, innocence, love, faith, everything that I took for granted ‘cos that was linked to my family. My family is one thing that I wouldn’t want to change for anything….for its just them who’ve always loved me unconditionally, who’ve never judged me, who’ve accepted me the way I am, forgave all my mistakes and have been with me through the thick and thin of life, during times when I was happy, when I was depressed, when I wanted to run away and live, when I wanted to kill myself never to see life again ……. Nobody can be as patient with me as they have been.
And then my friends, who’ve been there with me, helped me get stronger, helped me gain so many experiences, helped me recuperate from the mental and emotional upheavals that weighed upon me during my years away from home.
Its difficult at times to pretend to be happy when something deep within still feels empty, hollow, a kind of void that stems out of dissatisfaction…..something that makes me feel as if I’m a misfit, somewhat out of place, some kind of intruder, where nothing seems to be mine, the way I’d want things to be, the way I thought they’d be…..
Is it some kind of make-believe world that I have created around me, a kind of hallucination where I see only the things that I want to, the way I want to, instead of the real picture. Can I go on living in a delusion forever? Happiness is a state of mind, and I feel happy when I say I’m happy, so that’s the state I have created even though I’m still not sure what exactly is it. I was happy earlier too……
Anyways, I have tasted perfection and will not settle for anything less. Either the earlier one needs to be demystified or the present mystified. Was that the perfect love, or is this the more real one?
Only if I had the answers…..
Friday, June 16, 2006
The value of a sister
Ask someoneWho doesn't have one.
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
The value of one year:
Ask a student whoHas failed a final exam.
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
The value of one month:
Ask a motherwho has given birth to A premature baby.
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
The value of one minute:
Ask a personWho has missed the train, bus or plane.
The value of one-second:
Ask a personWho has survived an accident...
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend:
Time waits for no one!!!!!.
Colour : All the colors of the rainbow.
You as a woman:You are a bundle of contradictions, and the same attitude prevails in love. You are faithful in love, but you can also be detached and aloof, if need be. Your demand for freedom is insistent, but your allegiance to anyone who can accept romance within limits is boundless.You have charming manners, and usually behave in a timid, almost reserved way. You loathe being logical. Your mind travels back and forth between today and tomorrow, with no logical pattern. You follow the same policy with commitment.The line between friendship and love is often invisible to you. You are susceptible to sudden flashes of inspiration, and your intuition is remarkable.
You in relationships: You love to give pleasure, in keeping with your altruistic and philanthropic spirit. You also tend to seek agreement in your friendly and harmonious way, a real boon in the give and take of partnership. You also adore vulnerability in a lover. You need a companion who can help you get in touch with your innermost feelings and teach you to put the analyzing aside.
One must Know the rules when dealing with Aquarius
What you should do:
Be prepared to talk about anything, from the coup in Maui to the burnt dinner last night. The Aquarian has a wide variety of interests, and will want to talk about them all the time.
Give your Aquarian little surprises. They will love it.
Be prepared for emotional detachment, at least the first few times you meet.
Learn to make a mind connection, before a physical one. Intellectual compatibility is important to an Aquarian.
Appreciate the fact that your Aquarian is devoted to special causes.
What you should not do:
Don't be too demanding. The Aquarian hates being bound by rules. Give some breathing space to the relationship.
Don't expect your Aquarius to pop the question in the fifth date. The Aquarian thinks of the whole world as his/her friend.
Don't expect the Aquarian to snap out of a reverie soon enough.
Don't be too critical of the Aquarian dress sense.
Don't try to change the Aquarian mind in a hurry. Give her/him some credit for her/his thinking.
You are a shimmering vision, if your awkwardness can be ignored. You do not waste much time being your own best friend. After all, there is a world out there waiting to be loved! You like to look natural, but a little indulgence gets the better of you from time to time. You have a fetish for anything new. And if it is natural, still better! No product in the market can escape your scrutiny, since you are always looking for something new.
You do love yourself, but you always wonder if you are good looking. Your self-esteem needs a boost. Remember, the secret of looking good is making the best of what you have. The first flush of romance or triumph adds more color to your cheeks than any shimmering powder!
No fashion trends for you! All beauty standards are your own. Your independence and love for life make you look good all the time. Your beauty is not of this world -- it's out of it.
Though how much time I’ll have to actually relax is yet to be seen…..cos I have a long list of chores already lined up for the two days. But at least there wont be the early morning chaos to reach office in time….specially when I being a fresher have to make it in time while other people at home are still snoring away when I leave the house! They have the liberty to go at their will, be it 11’o clock or even noon. I’m so jealous of these people who’ve already reached the comfort zone in their career.
I cant even say I’ve been working like a dog….our dog at home actually lives like a “nawab”! Just a month gone by and I’m already tired of it al…its just plain and simple hard work…nothing intelligent, nothing challenging…..but pure mechanical life here.
Have collected around more than 10 sudokus to solve…hope I can find time to do so this weekend. Something that was no less than an addiction earlier is now slowly being pushed to the far corners of the priority list in the daily schedule.
Will try to make the best of these two days…………..hope to catch some good movies, shop around for things needed to set up the house properly and most importantly, get the gas connection transferred!
Am yawning already…..why are days sooooo long?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
And the same story at home……even while at the dining table, all eyes were glued to the TV instead of the plates in front and I had to literally ask at least thrice before eliciting a response from people.
Anyways, the match left me with leisure to watch a movie I had long been planning to. So finally I did manage to watch the “Schindlers’ list”.
No wonder it has been vouched as a great movie!
With some more time in hand, I browsed through some old blog links that I had…..some of them which I purposely had been avoiding for quite some time. So many emotions reflected in few words…..thats the art of writing….vengeance, frustration, spite…….i could see them all. Left me wondering…do I want to read all this? Do I want to know the dark side of the story? Do things actually change so……from something beautiful to actually a feel of being harassed? People can actually make their point so well through this medium…..express their opinion, even threaten others in oblique and yet not so oblique terms……call them names…..”beware you mean things” !
Don’t know about the mean things, I was definitely scared !
Taking Bhownku for a walk is a far better option I realized……at least both of us got some fresh air to clear our heads of the venomous words....me after reading what i did, and Bhownku after Sirjee's scoldings....
Its just pure “satvik” bhojan all the time. I’m tired of it all! Wanna break free now. At least I’m free to have anything for lunch ( cos I have it in office, so no policing like the one at home). Unfortunately the office canteen doesn’t offer me much of a choice. Those same sandwiches and burgers everyday, without any variation. But as long as its bread, no complains! The black forest is actually good. So I’ve been indulging myself secretly these days. Coming to office, I wish the coffee and tea vending machine was closer still, so that we didn’t have to use the access card everytime we needed water, tea , coffee or for that matter even use the restroom. So much for the high security zones!
The only advantage ( or disadvantage ) of the office is that there is no way one can be aware of the weather outside. Irrespective of time, every hour looks the same. However, office does provide a better option than home in terms of comfort, cos nothing less than air-conditioned office could beat Delhi’s heat, specially when there’s no escape from persistent power-cuts during the day at home. The evenings are fairly better, so stepping out of office in the fresh air is actually quite welcome. And then begins another story altogether…..battling with vegetables in the kitchen, keeping a ready stock of supplies, etc….
Anyways, getting back to the rude-food story, there’s this huge shopping mall just a stone’s throw from my office….. actually mid-way between my home and office. One can find the best of the food outlets there…all the pizza huts, Mc Donalds and a couple of coffee bars and ice-cream parlours as well ( my fav baskin robbins too!) Only if I had some good company, cos food, however good it is, doesn’t taste the same when you are alone. Good food tastes best when shared…..so am hoping some of my friends will find some time to splurge on food with me.
Till then, its just “satvik bhojan” for me. Don’t worry my fav junk foods…...here I come..very soon!
Mission junk food begins with me smuggling in a pack of banana chips to office…..so its right here in my drawer and I can munch on it slowly while I work as well…..howz that?
Life’s taken a turn now……gone are those days of leisure and fun and freedom. No longer can I scream the way I used to, or make faces at each other, get into playful fistfights and a lot more things…..
Life’s become a lot more disciplined, with me becoming the well-behaved perfect Indian bride, the ever smiling ever patient good soul. There’s work, work, more work and some more work…..at home, in the office….everywhere. The terrace at home which was supposed to be the high point while selecting the house, lies neglected as I have been there just twice till today! The television which I missed so badly in the hostel has barely had 10 minutes of my time till date……
The same goes for the broadband connection at home……No time to even check my mails at home!
Always thought that once I’m over with studies, I’ll read lots and lots of novels the whole day. Today I have cupboards full of all kinds of books, but no time. Only if I had more time…..i could do so much more, so many things that I’ve always wanted to…listen to music, read books, paint, sketch, laze around, gaze at the moon from the terrace....the list is endless……but not the time. Time is slipping away….leaving me a lot more insatiate, dissatisfied, with a feeling of chaos deep within.
One of the old friends called up today….and asked me how and when did I get married. Also asked about the person she had seen me with at Nirula’s in the university campus some two years ago……Those old days keep coming back. I still wonder if I’d want that life back..those three wonderful years of my life….friends, hostel, the lawns library…everything. Ahhh yes, the yummy chicken momos! Its actually been sooo long…..
Can I have a time machine please??
Now after all these years I am working as a trainee under him! We laughed our heads off at this discovery. What we thought would be embarrassing for us was in fact a stepping stone to a good friendly relationship. Now Ma is trying to convince me to ask his opinion about M, as if the poor girl hasn’t enough of her problems already.
Lets see, who knows…things may actually work out!
Princess finally met her prince charming this month, though I haven’t been able to talk to her personally abt the meeting. Hope to do it soon.
This day is some sort of quite memorable one…..Baba shaved his beard…perhaps 4th or the 5th time during his entire life till date…the last one being his own wedding. He definitely looks quite handsome…all clean and “chikna”.
People do change….i accept now. Anyways, I’m too happy at this. Sharadji came down for dinner and said that the change was quite apparent in everything. As long as its positive change, I needn’t bother.
Everything’s not actually as bad as I had anticipated. Things are quite smooth and under control…touch wood!
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Couple of good news……both R and M got admissions to engg colleges. Baba was specially elated when they cleared the exams. So the fee drafts made and formal procedures over, our house will be almost empty within a month or so. I have become so used to them being around and helping me in the kitchen as well that I’m definitely gonna miss them terribly.
Of course Sirjee will be there for another year, so I’ll have some kind of support from him. A is leaving for the U.S as well, so its just a matter of another month with him as well. Am planning to ask him to move in with us for this last month, it’ll be easier for all of us. And then I’ll be able to pamper him much better if he’s around oftener.
Have been doing some looking around in this area……for milk parlours, green grocers, grocery shops, beauty parlours, tailors, etc…..besides the usual dhobi, watchman, newspaper boy in the society. Life seems to be getting on a normal track slowly. Babuji will be here to stay with us in a few days.
I was quite careless with papa and ma but I need to be very careful with Babuji and take good care of him. Ma’s operation went on well, thankfully. It would have been far better had Moni been around. Poor thing, even she has her share of involvements. 22 weeks in a village is not gonna be easy!
Baba refuses to chain him, and it gets quite painful for those who take him out for evening and morning walks. At least he climbs the stairs himself now, thankfully.
Perhaps he’s missing his girlfriend quite a bit. Will ask Baba to take him to Air force station to meet her someday, but then that would mean more of dog vomit in the car and same struggle trying to get Bhownku back home. Nah….bribing Bhownku is a better option.
The other day Baba took Bhownku for a late night walk. There was this person from our own society, driving this “Honda City” who stopped by and almost shouted, “who’s dog is this?”
Baba kept quite for a while, and then said that the dog lives in 5D and he was in the service of the dog. The man mellowed slightly and said that even he had a dog, a “German Sheppard”. “There’s a difference between the breeds you see”. Baba immediately supported, “of course there’s a difference between breeds. You shouted the moment you saw Bhownku, while he didn’t on seeing you.”
The man started his car and left immediately. He’ll know better than to argue with Baba from next time, or call Bhownku an ordinary dog. Baba’ll make sure everyone respects his Bhownku from next time.
It took me sooo much of pushing and nagging to get at least a refrigerator and a cooler for me! The life’s definitely very hectic…..me trying to juggle between the pressures at the office and handling guests and visitors at home. There are people dropping by everyday, just those formal visits where they think its their duty to do so just because we’ve moved in a new house, some kind of mandatory obligation it seems. Yet its so much fun with the boys ever ready to help me with everything , cracking jokes and ready with their instant quips. Perhaps that’s the reason why I don’t feel tired even after hours of slogging the whole day. There’s just the physical fatigue which I’ll get used to very soon.
Baba got us a sofa , an inverter, a mixer-grinder, a computer table for our system and a centre table….so the house looks comparatively occupied now, not the huge playfield that it used to. The AC’s on the cards next, let me see if I can coerce him soon enough….
We are six people living together….me, my husband, his younger brother and two of the students who are under our care ( Anandji helps a lot of talented students in all possible ways). Ohhh ! that’s just five..
sixth is the head of the family…..the “boss”…..thats our dearest dog “Bhownku” , called so because he would rarely bark. But then its said “barking dogs seldom bite”.
People who know me from my pre-marrriage association, would be surprised at this. I was one of those people who are shit-scared of dogs. To this day when I live with one, touching him, holding him close, I’m still the same person.
Perhaps what helped me accept him was his innocence, the way he’d look up at Baba and me, wagging his tail, rubbing himself against my leg and so on.
The way he left his 52 acres of home to live with us within a confined 17oo sq yards space at the fourth floor of an apartment building helped me empathise with him, cos I had left my home to live in new situation, with new people in a new city….
Donning the role of a mother to these 3 boys and Bhownku, here I am !
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
I wake up, stretch my arms, open my eyes – smile and say – “I’m gonna be happy today, no matter what. I’ll not think about the nightmares. I’ll let absolutely nothing upset me today.”
I jump off the bed and get ready for the “happy day”. The empty walls and loneliness greet me, but I keep humming as I move around – “I’m happy!”
Get ready, look at myself in the mirror – I look pretty….another reason to make me smile!
I refuse to read the newspaper – its full of accidents and floods, murders, earthquakes, rapes……everything that’ll never make anyone happy. Ignorance is definitely a bliss!
I step out, take a deep breath and start my day……….
Yes! I really feel happy now!
I hear a fire-engine far away, the sharp noise of the bells clanging frantically, filling the air with a sense of urgency. Someone’s house is burning down perhaps, somebody’s world is falling apart…..
I’m safe and I’m happy !
I hear a siren coming closer - an ambulance speeds past…..some accident? Heart attack? Burnt?
Who cares? I can’t help them. At least I’m safe and happy.
A dog lying in the middle of the road ; perhaps run over by a speeding vehicle. I slow down. The sight of blood makes my heart lurch, but instantly I ignore and move away.
Afterall, I have to be happy.
I make an attempt to not look at those beggars on the streetside today, sitting with their begging bowls – the lepers, the crippled, the old, blind and the deaf, with small emaciated children running around – sans clothes, sans food, sans education, sans “life” in totality.
But I’m happy!
Few minutes halt at the traffic signal. I hear snatches of some news headlines from the street peddlers selling newspapers….
“earthquake in some corner of the world, millions injured.
A cyclone killing thousands of people elsewhere.
A volcano erupts in Japan killing hundreds of people.
A bomb explosion and terrorist attack somewhere…”
I ignore the all……I’m happy!
Oh yes! Mughal Gardens, rashtrapati bhavan open for public from today! I smile at the thought of lovely flowers.
Life sure is beautiful…there’s so much to make us happy, so many reasons to smile, so much to enjoy and cherish.
Heard so many people claim to be “emotional” and “sensitive”…
Afterall, haven’t I been sensitive to the world around me the whole day?
I am sensitive, so I shut my eyes. I can’t see so much pain and suffering, so I close my eyes and pretend they never existed at all!
Remembered a friend – he was so disturbed by the plight of people and the pain and suffering in India that he decided to settle abroad where he wouldn’t have to see those beggars and slums, the sight of which pained him so much. I call him escapist.
Sensitive people like him and me can definitely make this world a better place to live in….
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Lest I lose it !
I am scared of this love,
What if I cannot keep it with me ?”
Love is powerful, can one ignore it?
It drew me close with its sweet smell, and I followed absolutely mesmerized.
Now I am scared lest I get intoxicated by its fragrance – my mind absolutely overpowered and clouded – so much so that my life seems to be reduced to just regaling in the sensuality of its sweetness.
It drew me close like a brook does – swift, fresh sparkling water flowing in its glory. I was captivated by the shiny silver water and the sweet gurgling sound….
I kept flowing with the current, felt the liquid softness wash over me, caress me ,till the fear of being drowned started setting in – the harsh reality, the hard stones hurting at the bottom, bruising me as the brook dragged me along.
It drew me close like the green hills….it was fascinating like the cool autumn breeze and I felt it against my face as I closed my eyes, spread my hands wide and ran down the slope…….fast and faster till suddenly I realized I had lost control – was just running uncontrollably – almost into a dark abyss ; dark only because I had my eyes shut !
Before I realized, it was too late.
I had lost my love.
More importantly, I had lost myself.
Perhaps I could never understand love, life, either? Both?
Ignorance is bliss.
Do I want it?
Friday, March 10, 2006
I must learn to live in the sands with my very own rose.....for even though it has thorns, its at least mine, its at least with me.
well, It doesn't "sting" anymore.
“Wanted……a beautiful, fair, slim, simple professionally qualified homely girl for……blah blah……”
I’ve always wondered what these men wanted? A “professional” “homely” girl ?sounds pretty confusing to me. I’m sure he must be just as confused. I wouldn’t be surprised if 90% of the male population who are on the lookout for their perfect “brides” through such advertisements are in such confused state. So, would they want an MBBS, or an engineer or for that matter an MBA girl as a “homely housewife” for them?
Perhaps the degree or the professional qualification would sound nice and bombastic while boasting about it to others (would add to his “status” you see) while he would still expect her to “sacrifice” her career aspirations to the more important role of being the perfect wife and mother. What he wants is perhaps a good combination of a “caring mother”, a stylish modern and savvy girlfriend to show off as an ornament over his arm, a perfect cook and washerwoman , a perfect combo of a person who’d accompany him to his corporate parties as well as not mind donning the apron everyday at home, hovering over him all day long.
Am not at all against educated housewives. In fact I applaud those women who choose to give up their aspirations because they want to be there for their family and kids…..women who prefer being a “home manager” rather than being the same with some firm. I’m gonna be one among them if given a choice. Afterall this requires a lot of expertise too! What is important here is the element of CHOICE…..while I wonder how many in our society are free to exercise this choice.
There are instances and cases of ego-clash between man and wife over the job related issues where the wife has to give up in majority of cases…whether it is regarding work schedule, transfer of the wife to a different place, wife earning more than the husband, sharing of responsibilities at home and so on and so forth…...the list could be a long one. Talking about the “greatness of women as a mother” and their expertise in handling and managing their “dual role” with a job as well, men still expect their wives to handle the kitchen and the kids ( plus their homework and school activities ) as well after a long day in office. Its women’s domain you see !
On second thoughts……
On second thoughts, I can’t blame the men alone. Afterall I’ve seen almost all the men in my life ( be it grandfather, my dad, my uncles…) as the perfect support to their working wives. It’s the perfect “husband loving doting traditional wife” who’d still hate to see her husband in the kitchen – the forbidden territory for men !These are the ones who raise the expectations of other men as well who expect their wife to be ready at their service every moment, at their beck-and-call…..something which is quite impossible for the working women of today. As if the only way to love one’s husband was keeping him away from the hearth! Or if they think men are incompetent enough to handle a knife in the kitchen or that they would be out of place within that area, high time that they woke up to the fact that men can be far better at even changing nappies ,leave alone being creative in the kitchen.
Let us accept, its not about role reversal when we talk about men in the kitchen or women at workplace. Its about versatility, about sharing of responsibilities, about caring and about doing what one wishes to.
I have a word for women who take it as their sole responsibility for “perfection” as wives whose “paradise” lie at their husbands’ feet – they create problems for a lot of other women. While these housewives think that they show their love for their husband by not letting him take even a glass of water by himself, or not letting him move “even a finger” while at home, such examples lead to the expectation of every house to have such a perfect “K-serial” bahu for them as well. If this is what love is all about, then there is a lot of problem for the career women who are not able to do all this for their husband, for lack of time, and also because they don’t feel the need. Afterall would it be a big deal if the husband himself got his own glass of water? And get the same for his wife as well (that’s what grandmas would see as worse still…Shiva Shiva !) when she gets back from office?
Now that’s what I’d see as perfect love, care and understanding each other’s needs and keeping away from unnecessary expectations.
In short, the best things in life are simple, only if we let them be. Only if people realized the importance of simplicity…..living the way they wish to instead of peeping into other people’s lives and comparing different situations. Afterall, there’s just a few hard core rules in life; everything else is conditional, relational, situational and subjective to a lot of other factors. Simplicity is the keyword…the mantra to harmony and happiness.
Nothing unusual..20 plus “dainty ladies” boasting about not knowing how to boil tea or eggs……the “delicate darlings”, all set to “rule” the world ! How elite !
Who said one needed to know even the nominal cooking to survive in this world?
What we fail to realize that one needs to know at least the basics, at least for oneself if not for your husband ( this is how girls usually scorn….. “are we gonna turn into cooks for our husbands ? No way !)
The real essence lies in treating it as an art – doing everything with interest and finesse, giving it your best shot…..the creative you and the use of your sensory powers and you are sure never to go wrong. I consider myself one among the privileged few who developed a liking and an interest for this art quite early in life ( though I’m slightly losing the much needed patience ). Can’t say that I started preparing early, keeping in mind that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” It just fascinated me and the praise that I’d get was the added bonus !
I remember all my friends telling me that my husband would be very lucky to have me as a wife simply b’cos I cooked well. However, it’s a different story altogether now, given that he is a far better cook and a better food critic as well.
But then, I’m ready to enjoy the privileges of sharing my life with a perfectionist……hope he’ll help me excel too!
Just realized the magic of good food….this is it! Am ending on such an optimistic cheerful note even though I began on a terribly scornful one. Well, the very thought of good food is enough to make me smile :).
And for all those delicate darlings yet to learn the art of boiling eggs, make sure that your husband is patient enough to hear you through this dialogue, and secondly make sure he knows cooking and is willing to teach you as well. Otherwise, you must be at least well off enough to have perfect “kitchen crew” who’d never go on a single leave …..cos of course, you don’t even know how to boil tea! Happy “dependence on servants” to you !
Monday, March 06, 2006
strike at the root of penury in my heart.
Give me the strength that i need to bear all joys and sorrows,
'cos being happy and sad both take an effort.
Let me strive towards that stage when i can experience things beyond happiness and sadness,
being indifferent to the extent that i dont let exterior factors affect my emotions.
Let the source of everything lie within me..... "Cos if something makes me happy, not having it will make me sad as well.
Help me move out of this worldly cycle of trivialities.
Dear Lord, help me move beyond the frivolity of dreams and wishes and aspirations and ambitions...
Help me rise like a phoenix from its own ashes......
Help me move closer to you, to move closer to myself.....my own inner self....my soul.
Thanks for making me the chosen one.....for giving me all of the "joy" that i deserve......thanks for making me a part of your "Anand".
Monday, February 27, 2006
Three postponements gave us a long courtship period which according to my sis was wonderful because it gave me an opportunity of what she calls as “licensed flirting”. As for me , I would have been more appreciative had I known that this would be diluted considerably post-wedding.
Two months of married life so to speak, but the idea will perhaps take a little more time to sink in….perhaps not till I “actually” begin my married life, and the two months of hostel life will give me the much needed time.
In short, its difficult. From being the eldest in my maiden family to being the youngest in the new one….is an interesting experience altogether. So from being called “didi” to becoming a “dadi” and “nani” – the transition was sort of overnight.It was so cute the way my nephews and nieces would call me “didi” instead of auntie because I looked young. Large families have their own advantage – you have a lot more people to love and pamper you, specially when you are the youngest.
From being absolutely wary of animals, specially dogs to becoming a dog-lover comes naturally from being married to a person who is an ardent animal-lover. Afterall, had I not been prepared to live with twelve stray dogs from day one. It feels wonderful to be married to a man who people say is “not so ordinary” at all. But then it does make me feel quite small at times…..quite imperfect most of the times. Afterall till date I haven’t been able to figure out anything at which I could be better than him. Its impossible to be better than perfect. Nevertheless, I’m gonna keep trying…
The skepticism and apprehensions – “would I still be accepted by my friends? Will I change? Will marriage change the way I think?”
Constant anxiety…..if I’ll turn into those “auntie-types” who have nothing better to talk about but dresses, jewellery, make-up, “saas-bahu” stories and other never-ending useless non-productive banter that we constantly and very commonly come across….in short, the typical “kitty-party” talks.
Thanks to meera, for being patient with all these questions of mine….and bearing with my constant enquiries about the degrees of change that she has seen in me, telling me if they are positive ones or not and assuring me that I still am a part of the “sane” community. Hope to maintain my originality…..and hope you’ll be there in future too my princess !
And then to think that all our “profound” thoughts and ideas are not so profound afterall…’cos there are people at a still higher plane. But then experience counts. So probably with as much exposure and experience in life, we could have ben much the same or who-knows, better perhaps J
So I’d rather believe that we are still ahead of our times !
The ones who’ve reached the pinnacle of perfection at the top have stopped, but we are still through an ongoing process – a far desirable state so to speak. We are progressing – stumbling along the way, but still progressing nonetheless.
Probably this is why we dismiss most of our class lectures as useless and frivolous. Afterall, do they ever have anything to offer except of course the theoretical concepts?
Anyone can read them and even understand far better perhaps. Why then do we waste our time listening to the innumerable painful lectures?
We have a valid reason – simply for the count of attendance frankly. Also ‘coz the “freaks” like us would otherwise never bother to even try to understand the theoretical concepts which anyways are useless in the future.
We have with us people whom we call fools….fools who waste their time behind those fat heavy books, mugging away at all possible places that you can think of – mess-hall, stairs, corridors. And freaks like us ,who’d rather enjoy the star-studded night sky and the cool breeze on the terrace, sharing more profound ideas that those books would not even care about !
I might sound snobbish, but do I care? Nah .
One virtue that we can boast of –“persistence” or rather “steadfastness”.
Two years of “rigorous tutoring” failed to change / transform us into “more earnest” fools from the “one-night genius’” freaks that we are.
Honestly, living like freaks is a lot more fun than wasting ourselves like those fools. But nevertheless, it is frustrating to be stuck in a place which has more of fools and just or exactly a handful of freaks. So keeping our originality intact amidst this vast majority, not letting them “contaminate” our pure, innovative and “kachhra-less” minds has been a Herculean task.
Kudos to us !
So Meera, aren’t we proud to be “we”?
Friday, February 24, 2006
“things fall apart
the center cannot hold..”
she saw her whole world crumbling down, disintegrating slowly – slowly turning into naught – diminishing into nothingness…..
something that was her life…..the next moment it wasn’t, and then again it was, and then again…will it be?
Was there an escape, a respite, a relief, a way out of the vicious cycle?
How and where did it go wrong?
The foundation was strong, the edifice absolutely firm. She decided to build up on it herself, picking one brick at a time, one by one, laying them – but unfortunately all out of alignment. One after the other she kept arranging them wrong – how and why?
What she thought was right wasn’t so anymore.
The sense of despair kept setting in. she knew very soon it would be time when the structure would come down….the bricks would not be able to hold the wall together, but give way. Actually very soon there would be no wall at all.
The foundation would surely remain, of course but would there be a second chance to build up on it, again?
Only if I could tell her, help her, rescue her..I wish I could tell her to be strong enough to get out of the “damsel in distress” frame, waiting still for her knight in shining armour to come and save her.
I wish I could explain the need to get out of her dreamland, the beautiful fantastical world in her mind, and learn to face the real world herself.
I wish I could make her believe that she was still alive !!
……and there were no florists, no gardens, no flowers !
Wanted lots and lots of chocolates, those that melt beautifully and deliciously in the mouth, wanted to savour the wonderful taste, the smooth melting flavour……
…….and not a penny had she in her purse !
Wanted to read, read a lot, all those wonderful books out on the shelves….with those colourful beautiful attractive covers…..the classics, the fantastical, the romantic, the thrillers…..all of them….and more and more and still more…..
……and realized she couldn’t understand the language anymore !
Wanted lots and lots of love, lots and lots of joy, lots of wonderful friends, lots of people who’d care for her and pamper her. Wanted perfect happiness, peace and satisfaction….
……no one could tell her where one could get them!
She wanted to give it back to the people, slap them, hit them hard, punish them for affecting her life……and..
……her hands refused to move.
She tried to glare at them, scare them off with a stern look…and…
……she stared back at her own face – grinning back at her, shamelessly and hopelessly.
One day she wanted to love her…hugged her, held her so tight that she couldn’t breathe……
…..so tight that her love killed her.
One day someone else touched the doll. Melanie couldn’t bear it – she went to clean her…..cleanse her of all the memory of “that touch”. She rubbed her, scrubbed her hard, bruised her and……
…..and killed her.
The doll had been lamenting being separated from her loved ones at the shop – from those that were like her. She mourned, and starved for a long time.
Melanie fed her – overstuffed her and kept stuffing wonderful things in till…..
……till it killed her.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Sooner or later, we have to overcome our fears, because spiritual experience can be had only through the daily experience of love.
Coelho says that in real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.
Anything else is fantasy.
The wise are wise only because they love.And the foolish are foolish only because they think they can understand love.
Lovers need to know how to lose themselves and then how to find themselves again.