Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The sun...my hope.

There, I can see it, I can feel it !
The sun has risen & shines over the world; over the treetops in the garden;the light moves gradually,until it falls obliquely in through the window,on my bed.
Light,finally light at last !
Does it bring life for me? Respite from all that one suffered, hope for a better tomorrow,or is the light still elusive?
Yes the light has dawned over me! Let the clouds burst. Ohh,it’ll be such a relief to end it all,& there will be peace & calm,eternal rest for the tormented troubled souls.
The sun comes with enough forgiveness. The saviour too suffered & died on the cross for all our sins & if we go to Him with faith & repentance,He’ll take all our sins upon Himself. Where sin overfloweth,there overfloweth grace.
But have i actually sinned?If not then why the punishment,why the repentance,why the sorrow and remorse? I wish I had all the answers.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Reflections of a confused mind.

The question that came to my mind was..what does being modern mean?

Does a ''modern attitude'' have to be in opposition to the traditional conventioanl societal norms? Does it necessarily have to question the traditional authority?

The general idea of being "modern" is a break from the normative, from the traditional way of looking at things, a break from the conventional way of representation of life, due to the questioning of the traditional values, morals and ethics.While values and ethics and morals are true always..they are barely understood by pple as they shud be.

i remember...during my graduation days, we had an excerpt from Nietzsche...in which he had said.....'' the ethical moral system is a fraud perpetuated by society, as a pretence created by the human society to hide the blind ungovernable forces that lie behind our thoughts and actions.'' i wrote this in my diary......cos it disturbed me then as well.

But if morality, ethics, truth( social) ...all become suspect then there will not be any basis for our actions and thoughts, no unified worldview that one can subscribe to. And yet, the very fact that there is a need for a unified worldview, leads one back to Nietzsche's idea.....the need to cling onto something...to hide the ungovernable and irresolute ideas. Its all a muddle !

i'm confused ! completely confused.

What is more important?....resolution of the disturbing ideas or resolving the rules that tend to snub them? i'm sure initially the rules were formulated according to the needs of the people and yet over time what has become more important is the absolute nature of those rules. The primacy on "rules" has led pple to manipulate their lives in conformation to the social standards.

i remember when i discussed something similar with my teachers one day, they agreed that following such prescribed moral ethical system and "rules' of living is definitely hypocrisy. Afterall we create rules for ourselves...the society. So, who decides their authenticity? Besides,something which is irrelevant or unacceptable today would be acceptable tomorrow, quite possible. But then, they also said that not following the standard rules or norms but living according to one's own will and wish is hypocritical as well. What is right or wrong, true or false is quite subjective..depends on a lot of things, including the social setup, the epoch, the particular moment and a lot of other factors.Something might be true and relevant for a particular moment and not quite so for the other.

But then again , who decides all this? If not us, then where is our own agency?We all become just the victims of social conventions and not agents of change !

If its all about following the set pattern, then there is definitely no difference between the ''brain beings'' and the herd mentality of the animals.Afterall, even they follow their rules......moving together in groups or herds, and doing what is expected of them.What is the use of our minds and intellect, our critical faculty and our jurisdiction if we don't question things and decide the way we want to lead our lives?

...and the final conclusion.

"Being so still and alone,she seemed to get into the current of her own proper destiny.She had been fastened by a rope and jagging and snarring like a boat at its moorings:now she was loose and adrift, FREE !
She wanted to forget, to forget the world,and all the carrion-bodied people."Ye must be born again!"I believe in the resurrection of the body!
It had lifted a great cloud from her and given her peace finally:was it for real?Her tormented woman's brain still had no rest.She knew,if she gave herself to the man,it was real.If she kept herself to herself,it was nothing.
She had to be had for taking - yes,to be had for taking."

Ek adhuri si story......

"she had been able to think of little else....missing him,praying for him,crying for him,the pain so great that for a while it somehow masked the pain of her body.what had a blow mattered, when inside she had felt as if she had already died?
Later when the fresh pain of losing "HIM" sealed over, and the realization of the lifelong despair and pain that her life would be settled in upon her,she had often dreamed that somehow HE would rescue her. But she had known that she had sinned and even as she hoped and prayed,she knew that HE would never come back.Even if HE had known her fate, HE would no longer have cared. "HE" hated her.
Finally she accepted that her dreams were nothing but that, and that no one could save her from her fate, and,gradually she ceased to feel at all, either loss or the memory of love,of GOD, all emotions ground into sand under the millstone of her marriage."

The realisation......

Probably I havent suffered enough,'cos when one suffers much,the capacity for suffering to some extent leaves the person and he becomes cheerful,almost chirpy.
But then when I think again, I realise, that when one so very nearly loses life,then ,that what remains behind becomes wonderfully precious.And yet when one is so much hurt that it feels something inside has perished, some of the feelings completely gone,lost forever - and what remains is a blank insistence,just a compulsion to live.

....in 2003.....''the gender bias''

There are several reasons, some historical, some biological – for the gender bias. Women’s work has long been downgraded & devalued when compared to man’s work; male muscular strength has been prized above the female capacity for physical endurance; men have been the owners of wealth, property, the wielders of authority, the holders of power, the achievers, the doers, the go-getters etc.. & so on: while women have been barred from such apparently desirable positions or behavior over the centuries.

I feel, in sum, to be a ‘MAN’ is something of an effort, something to be fought for bit by bit &, when won, defended with the utmost vigilance. As if it is something which can be weighed or measured, something quantifiable & as such open to comparisons - about how ‘manly’ a man is. Perhaps the same applies to the biological reasons for the seeming frailty of the male: ‘cos not only do the women live longer than men, but for women, the act also involves no effort to ‘prove’ oneself. Whereas a man believes (rightly or wrongly) that he has to ‘perform’ & prove his masculinity, & that his performance can be assessed or measured. It sounds like a dreadful, anxiety inducing business ! But then this is what works behind the whole psychology of rape as well – to ‘conquer’ the errant female, to possess her, to subdue her, to control her & show the ‘male might’ by subjugating her, punishing her, crushing her body, her self esteem, her ego, her reputation & her whole being. Male psychology really sucks then !

A Wish ......

I wish I was free,FREE ! Thats a great word! Free from everything that is so claustrophobic,so binding,so depressing.Free out in the open world,out in the forests of the morning,out in the natural beauty with none of the ugliness as a part of my life;free to do as I liked and above all to be myself,the way I'd want to be - perhaps this is what matters supremely.
Freely singing,dancing passionately,enjoying the freedom;unconstrained,unplugged existence,with nobody,absolutely NO ONE to trespass on my privacy and inner freedom.Just to shake off the old,sordid,binding,constraining connections and subjections. howz that?

I'm still alive !

Back after four months since my last post.Am wondering, what kept me away?Perhaps i just didnt want to pen down my inane thoughts.....just stowed them away in the pale pages of my dark diary,holding my dark secrets for me.Am i ready to open the Pandora's box?Lets see....