and the question continues…..the whole pain pleasure dichotomy associated with love still intrigues me. What is it actually?
The happiness at having found “love” in real sense,or the pain everytime you think that all of it could be temporary,
The pleasure when you are living those moments of bliss, or the pain when they are over,or when you feel it was too short a moment,
The satisfaction and pleasure at having found a purpose to your life, or the pain that comes with the fear of having to live without it.
The supreme joy of being loved and accepted,or the pain that comes with the insecurities linked with all of it just being a phase.
The pleasure and feeling of perfection that comes with finding oneself after losing oneself in love, or the fear of losing one’s own identity in the whole process,
The pleasure that comes with the feeling of contentment and stability out of a loving relationship, or the pain associated with insecurities which haunt one in trivial situations,
The pleasure that comes with the moments of togetherness, or the pain associated with waiting for more of such moments,
The pleasure that comes with the entrusted trust and faith reposed in each other,or the pain that comes with jealousy over trivial matters.
The pleasure at finding oneself at peace with one’s whole existence,or the pain that even a small moment of separation brings,
The ultimate pleasure and inner joy that comes with the union of the souls or the pain that the physical distance brings.
All of it comes simultaneously!
Have been through it all….the pleasures of togetherness and the agonies of long painful waiting, that seemed to go on for ever and ever….
The fault lies with me perhaps. While it should have brought peace within me, while it should have comforted my tormented lonely soul, while it should have helped me move on with a lot more confidence,while it should have helped me have more faith in myself and trust others around me, it left me just as insecure, just as restless, just as weak and just as emotionally dependent as I wouldn’t want to be. Perhaps I never was truly in love. Perhaps I never was meant to be loved. Perhaps I never deserved it!
Perhaps ,not only I failed my love, but failed myself too in the process.